Archive for vagina

Obligatory Breasts.

Posted in Jesus with tags , , , , , , , , , , on July 15, 2010 by Colin Walker

Below is Sheyla Hershey. At 38KKK, she now holds the record for the biggest breasts in the world. I pretty much have to post this here. Man law.

In the event of a water landing...

But here’s the thing, they are killing her! Yessirreee. Those puppies are deadly, causing loss of breath and staph infections. But, don’ feel bad. This dumbass did this to herself. Those wreaking balls be fake, son! Shhheeeeeeeet.

Personally, I wouldn’t want those anywhere near me. Freakishly huge killer tits. Sounds like a punk band.

It Is Literally Impossible For MTV To Ban Lady Gaga’s ‘Telephone’ Video

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on March 15, 2010 by Colin Walker

All right, People Of The Internet, I am here to drop some hip knowledge on you.  I know that you guys are kind of behind the times, and rely on me to bring you up to speed on the things that are currently ‘dope’, and ‘fresh’. That is fine. I am more than happy to be your Ambassador Of What Is Def.

So, let me do my job here, will you? Allow me to introduce you to things heretofore unknown and therefore blackly exciting and mysterious. Let’s go.

There is a new female performer on the scene now. I’m sure you haven’t heard about her yet, (you guys on the internet are always a little behind, but it’s okay ‘cuz I still love you!) but her name is Lady Gaga. Don’t let this slip, but I think that there is a chance that she could become quite popular. And, I’ll tell you what, you can say that to people now, and you don’t even have to credit me. You can say to your friends, “Hey, hip and ethnically diverse group of people that I choose to associate with, I think that maybe this Lady Gaga character is going to be kind of a big deal.” They might laugh at you at first, but don’t worry. When you turn out to be right and they have egg 0n their hip, collective faces, you can look over to me and we’ll laugh together. I would never sell you out!

But, CONTROVERSY CENTRAL!1! There are reports surfacing that MTV pulled her video ‘Telephone’ (featuring someone named Beyonce, don’t worry about her, I don’t think she’ll work out in this crazy Music Biz) for being too sexually explicit.

Here it is. All ten minutes of it. Watch if you want, but if it’s too long for you, or you don’t want anyone catching you watching it, take my word for it, it’s no worse than ‘Rumpshaker.’

All I wanna do is Zooma-zoom-zoom-zoom!

But, what I’m saying is this: That’s Impossible! And Kurt Loader backed me up earlier this morning when he addressed the press and told them, “We could not have banned the video in question. MTV has not played a video in it’s entirity since 1999.”

Word.

Vajazzling; Next I’ll Be Fucking A Unicorn.

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on February 25, 2010 by Colin Walker

The new trend in gaudy, fake, sparkley shit has skipped the ghetto entirely.

Yesterday, I was thinking to myself, you know, I like vagina, but when is someone going to come out with some flashy semi-permanent  vaginal accessories? This was what I asked myself. There are rings for piercing, sure, and of course there is untold tons of lingerie floating around out there, complete with lace and sequins. But, lingerie comes off pretty quick, and rings and studs can be ripped out. Not by me, but by this guy, who is a monster.“My name? Daddy. That’s my fucking name.”

But I’m sayin’, (I’m just sayin’) where are the whimsical adornments that call to mind the more capricious days of my childhood? Or your aunt’s jacket, the one with the wolves on it? You know the one I mean.

Well, it’s here! For a modest fee, (around $75) you can go to one of three spas and have a rhinestone design adhered to your pitcher’s mound.

“I choose you, Pikachu!”

That’s right, your vagina can resemble Liberace’s jacket. I can’t speak for everyone, but doesn’t putting something there that is going to increase the friction (and potentially cut you) contrary to some of the point of having the Sainted Coin Purse shaved bald in the first place? What kind of injuries can we look forward to?

And who’s idea was this? Was it a customer? I pretty sure it was, because very few self-respecting shop owners would voluntarily come up with a procedure that would force them to spend more time down there; especially with common sense, good taste, and modesty on the sharp decline.  “Here ta tell ya right now, I want tha’ anal bleachin’, the clit piercin’, tha works!”

Yeah, it was a customer. Came in and was all like: “Hey, make my vag look like a vase with magic coming out the top”.

“You want what?”

“I’ll pay you good money.”

“I should have stayed in that pole dancing class.”

And then there is the fact that people get used to anything, and then need to move on to bigger and better things just to keep the excitement going.  So, this means that in a few years, some hipster will be fucking a chick in day-glow Avatar cosplay paint with bolt-0n devil horns and  transplanted Pegasus wings.

What Do You Get The Man Who Has Everything?

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on February 15, 2010 by Colin Walker

Well, if he’s a 30-plus year-old virgin who can’t even pay for sex, you get him a mouse, shaped like a vagina.

I know what you are thinking. You are thinking, Codpiece, that ain’t no mouse, dawg. (You should really stop saying ‘dog’ like that. It’s not cool anymore.) But, it is. I’m serious.

Bam! Three-quarter view! Now do you see it? Svelte looking motherfucker, ain’t it?

Yep.

It’s even hollow inside, just like an …old tree.

So, that’s a real product that’s on sale somewhere. No, I don’t know where, and I don’t know how much, and if you ask, I swear to dedicate a whole post to the fact that you asked about this, using your Cristian Name and any recent photographs I have of you. Just, so, you know, everybody is aware.

In case you missed it, it’s called the G-Point, because G-Spot would have totally been way too obvious. Way to keep it low-key.  I mean, aside from your World of Warcraft eternal virgin, who would want one of these things?

“You’ll never guess where I’ve got my mouse right now.”

I can just imagine some corporate-type getting one of these for his desk at work.

“Pam, come in here and fill out this Exel sheet while I give you the data”

Pam looks at mouse uncomfortably

“Come on, Pam, just touch it.”

“I’m fucking outta here!”