Archive for People Who Should Not Be Having Sex

Seriously, What The Fuck Is Wrong With You People?

Posted in Jesus, People Who Should Not Be Having Sex with tags , , , , , , , , , on July 15, 2010 by Colin Walker

Look, we all know that the internet is a wonderful thing. It is a large, open-air buffet of artistic expression and ideas. Think of how you spend your time today, vs. the way you spent that time twelve or fifteen years ago. If your reading this post, there’s a good chance you spend a lot of time on the internet. (Because, fuck, if you’re here, you must be bored as shit, and you really need to find a better way to spend you time. I’m calling your mother.)

But as great as the internet is, with it’s endless feeds of things to read and look at, the internet can be dangerous, too. Like meeting a nice girl, and taking her home to find that her lady parts are filled with whirring razors and the disembodied souls of Vietnamese street buskers, the internet can tempt you, then turn on you in an instant.  There are pictures and video on the internet capable of causing damage that only full frontal lobotomies and the sweet embrace of death can erase.

I currently offer a course on internet safety, which can help you to navigate around these disturbing pits of agony. Simply send me $25.99 and I will send you the lessons, be sure to specify Beta-Max or 5″ floppy. You can look at the picture below and still keep your sanity, I promise you that. Coddy wouldn’t run you into a wall like that. Not unless that shit was really, really funny.  No, this image is not as scarring, as it is perplexing. Like, what the fuck?

Pictured: Nightmare fodder.

Ooooookay.

Um, there’s more that a few things wrong with this. First off, we have to start with the fact that this is a modified product. Disney is a pretty progressive, oft-times perverted company, but even I have a problem believing that they would license this thing. So, this was bought, (note the legit tag) then modified by someone.

That’s…good? I mean, it’s good in the sense that there aren’t a million of these things floating around behind older brother’s bedroom doors, waiting for the moment when in the act of Coitus Cervidae, younger sister opens said door only to have all that makes sense in the world be obliterated in one embarrassing instant. But, then again, somebody made this thing, and what the fuck is wrong with that guy?

Okay, this isn’t that ‘Furry’ shit, because with that, at least there is a person in the costume. But this isn’t bestiality, either, because that’s not a real animal, but it does represent one, so…What? But homosexuality? Yes? Because Bambi was actually a boy? But now he has a vagina? Does that make him a trans-sexual, or is that cancelled out by the fact that he’s an animal? Is that cancelled out by the fact that it’s stuffed, and was never alive in the first place? Is that a silk lined vagina, because if it is…This is too confusing, even for me. I gotta go.

Love Is Blind, And Not Very Succinct.

Posted in Lovelorn with tags , , , , , , , , on May 10, 2010 by Colin Walker

Let me start out by saying how jealous I am of the entire female population as a whole. I try and play the role of matchmaker/pimp on this site from time to time, with, if you’ll allow me a little modest back patting, very favorable results. I mean, Who could forget train wreak number 1? This guy? Or, OH MY GOD PLEASE NO MORE! This gem. What I’m wondering is, where is my Cupid? My little bewinged arrow-shooting seraphim? I don’t have one, and that gives me a case of the sads. I guess this is one of those instances where I’m going to have to ‘pay it forward’. (Haley Joel Osment 1988-2012. Never forget) But I’ll be honest, I’m not big on charity. So somebody better set me up with a fine piece of ghetto meat soon, or I’m gonna bring the whole internet down.  And that is not a threat, it’s a promise. But anyway, here he is, your canidate for Baby Daddy, March 10, 2010.

“I thought I told you never to call me here.” Oh dear, I am not even possessed  of the proper hormones, and my heart is aflutter. Did any of you ladies notice the fake Aussie accent he tried to affect when he said his name? That smacks of class. He dropped that act, because between you and him, there can be no facades, no secrets. Just your heart and his. As long as you’re an Aquarian. The man can talk to plants, for fuck’s sake.

But in all seriousness, this was like the late eighties, early nineties. Men were trying to be deep, and this airheaded Winger reject probably got more big-haired poo-nan (Sir Codpiece, of the Village of Good Taste) than he deserved. As a matter of fact, are there any of you out there reading this who don’t know who your father is? Could be Dave here, just sayin’. And if that’s the case, I’ll ask you to put that keyboard down; it’s not edible.

People Who Should Not Be Having Sex

Posted in People Who Should Not Be Having Sex with tags , , , , on February 25, 2010 by Colin Walker

2012 cannot come soon enough.

Badtiming@Geterdone: I’m split and doped up! LOL. 2 minutes ago, from blackberry mobile

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on February 17, 2010 by Colin Walker

“Just one minute, I think I was attacked in Mafia Wars.”

I’m not the best guy to give a lecture about priorities, but, for god’s sake. I’m going to give her the benefit of the doubt and say that maybe she took a picture of the kid, then sent it to someone, but even then…Someone else couldn’t have done that? Put the goddamn phone down.

Thanks, Ladies, For Making Valentine’s Day Special.

Posted in Lovelorn, People Who Should Not Be Having Sex with tags , , , on February 15, 2010 by Colin Walker

Anybody who knows me knows I loves me some Twitter.  I Twitter so much, the Twitter Master has to send me a schedule of when he would prefer me to Twitter, as not to choke the server and mess up any of you other good people that might want to put out there that you are ‘Having the most boss slice of pizza right now, seriously’. I’m all about the social networking, and yesterday was a prime example of social networking gone right.

If you are one of the trillion or so females that follow me on the Twitters, you surely saw the Tweet I sent out last night about my man, Geoff. I read a study (or someone else read it and told me about it–like I have time to read studies with all the Tweeting!) about how Valentine’s day is hook-up prime time for single ladies.

“I’m way more likely to give it up on VD.”

And since nobody likes to be alone, I sent out a link to my boy Geoff’s online dating page. Because, let’s face it, you needed him, and he’ll take anything he can get. Click photo to enlarge.

That’s my boy! He even trimmed it up for you, for this special day! Dual hearts! Only Geoff could pull that off. I’m saying, if you are looking for something a little more serious that just a casual encounter, like you had with him last night, I’m sure he’d be down with it. Geoff is a sensitive guy. His favorite movie is ‘The Notebook’. He cries after sex! What more could you ask for? I mean, he’s got Queensryche forehead, but you can get past that. You’re bigger than that.

“Operation, Forehead.”

*Queensryche’s disease is a serious ailment that effects approximately fourteen percent of the worlds male population. If you would like to make a donation to the Queensryche’s Disease Foundation, please contact the author of this site, and give your credit card information directly to him.*

We Are All Shocked And Appalled That Flavor Flav Is Behind On His Child Support.

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on February 15, 2010 by Colin Walker

“Common Sense! Where have you been? You’re late!”

Listen, I don’t know about you guys, but I like to keep organized. I’ve been called everything from Dr. Organization to Papa Files, that’s how tight I run my game. I don’t know what you guys do, perhaps you stick those little yellow Post-it notes to your chest with peanut butter, reading them as you go about your day, but that’s weird and I don’t do that. Why do you do that?

Anyway, one of my things is, I like to keep lists. Not just To-Do lists, either, or wish lists, but lists for all sorts of things. One of theses lists I call my ‘Shheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet’ list, because the items on it represent or describe events that will never, under any circumstances, occur. I’m not going to bore you with the whole thing, but number 2 on that list, right after MC Hammer ever going broke, (You guys remember ‘Can’ Touch This’, right? Huge! He will literally never run out of money) is Flavor Flav falling behind in his child support payments.

Flavor Flav, pictured with his son, Stripe.

I mean, what the hell went wrong!? The economy really has to be in the toilet if a champion of moral values and responsibility like Flavor can be brought low with such absurd charges. You know what? I think I’m going to drag the economy out back and whup it’s ass for making The Flav look like that. Who’s with me?

Who’s with me?

Who’s…

“You Guys?”

Okay. So maybe it was unrealistic of me to expect any different from Flavor, who has, time and time again, shown us what a douche he is. But there’s just something about him.  Maybe it’s his eyes…

Yep, that’s probably it. But one thing that surprised me when I read about this story: Flavor Flav is fifty years old.

Fifty.

This guy:

I know someone who needs a new clock.

People Who Should Not Be Having Sex

Posted in People Who Should Not Be Having Sex with tags , , on January 18, 2010 by Colin Walker

In this feature, I will showcase individuals who should really not be having any kind of sex. Ever. At all.

We’re going to have to start the day off on a sad note. I’m sorry about that. Maybe it’s just me feeling cynical at the start of the workweek. Maybe it’s the heroin. I dunno.

“Sounds like somebody has a case of the Mondays”—Nina.

“BOOM”—Smith & Wesson.

But seriously, check out that fucking question, will you? I admit, could be we’re being trolled here. The answer is trolling without question. Or, it could be somebody who is just curious asking a very stupid question that is unrelated to them, but sadly, I don’t think so.

No, I think that there is really some idiotic 2nd trimester teen out there that thinks that little Kei$ha Underwood Smith is going to emerge from the Smith love canal knocked-up. She probably thinks that every time a penis goes in there the kid is playing whack-a-mole. And that is just sad, you guys. Keep your little sister off the streets, for god’s sake.