Archive for Kids

Just A Minor Gastric Apocalypse, Your Grace

Posted in Culinary Cataclysm with tags , , , , , , , , , , on December 8, 2011 by Colin Walker

Here were are again, with me a few weeks older and absolutely no wiser. It’s the Culinary Cataclysm, wherein I attempt to raise a host from the base-born commoners of the Value Menus in franchise restaurants and combine them like Voltron to best the chain’s mighty champion.

Why? Because I love you guys. And I fucking hate my toilet.

 Jiggle the handle? Motherfucker, JIGGLE THIS!

So, last time, this went badly. I did a double feature on KFC and Taco Bell, and not only were the results close to inedible, I was in such bad shape afterwards that people from northern Japan were sending care packages to my butthole for two weeks.  I swore I’d take some time before I did the next installment.

But then my fiance’ went out of town. I was driving to pick up my daughter from jazz band when I heard the raspy voice in my left ear.

“Codpiece, it’s time.”

“Oh no.”

“Oh, yes. Time for another article. Time to eat.”

“No, man. Seriously, look, the last time we did this, the city had to destroy the sewer lines for blocks south of my house and a para-military unit had to be deployed to hunt the sentient racoons  that had been birthed from the incident.”

“Codddddpiece. You’re going to do it. You’ve ignored the King thus far, and have offended him. He demands fealty.”

“C’mon, man. I’ve got my daughter with me.”

“Take her with you. Sweets for the sweet.”

“Yeah, okay. Works for me.”

Then I was at Burger King. My daughter ordered the number seven, the chicken fries meal. She’s got my metabolism and weighs like a buck-o-five, so whatever. I scour the Value Menu and wind up ordering  a Double Stacker, a double cheeseburger, and a Spicy Tendercrisp. Total: $4.50 (for my part of the order).  The Whopper is the King’s Grand Champ, but I knew I had that whipped. A Double Whopper with cheese is $4.90 though, so that’s the meaty bastard I put in my crosshairs. We got home, and I got down to business.

 Houses Stark, Tully, and Baratheon, respectively.

The camera on my phone predates the written word. This looked way better in person.

Unwrap the Double Stacker, flip it over, and remove the bottom bun.

“And when the fiery chicken mounts the cheesy cow, an unholy alliance will form.”

Unwrap the Spicy Tendercrisp, remove bottom bun, and place on top of Double Stacker.

The Triple Sesame Sasquatch!

Unwrap double cheeseburger, discard bottom bun, place on top. Unleash the fury of the Northlands.

View from the north tower.

Have daughter place next to her head to provide sense of scale.

Have your daughter take a picture of you holding the monstrosity, while laughing, so you wind up looking like a viking with Parkinson’s. And yes, I always eat shirtless. DON’T JUDGE ME!

But I can judge this sandwich. It was fanfuckintastic. I wouldn’t recommend eating a Spicy Tendercrisp on it’s own, because Burger King’s chicken has the consistency of sawmill waste, but in between the two towers of cheesy burger love it gave just the right amount of zip. The Special Sauce is there near your taste buds, and then there’s the bacon. Bacon is like the mounted cavalry in your sandwich’s war party.

Let’s see how it does against the flagship:

Double Whopper with cheese:

Price: $4.90

Two beef patties

Two slices of cheese

Tomato

Lettuce

Pickles

Onion

Mayo

Sesame seed bun

1010 calories

Triple Sesame Sasquatch:

Four beef patties

Four slices of cheese

Spicy Tendercrisp patty

Lettuce

Mayo

Ketchup

Mustard

Pickles

Special Sauce

Three sesame seed buns

FUCKING BACON

1520 calories

Now, some of you are thinking that you can add bacon to the Double Whopper. You can, but it adds eighty-five cents to the price. So, we have an uncontested winner. For Winterfell!

Crayola Columbine

Posted in The Meat Suit Awards with tags , , , , , , , , , , on February 16, 2011 by Colin Walker

Jack Dorman is six years old. Jack’s Father is stationed in Iraq. Jack, and his brother, are being raised by his mother Syndi. Things are not optimal. The stress of not having his father around has weighed on everybody in the family. Jack likes to play video games. Jack likes to draw. And that got him in a whole lot of trouble.

Most video games these days are violent. Sure, there are some that don’t have any violence at all, like Dora’s Adventures Through Oxycodone Stare Land,and Kermit Teaches You Math With A Grown Man’s Fist In His Ass, but ultimately, all video games have at least some level of cartoon, slapstick, or unseen but implied violence in them. Of course, then you’ve got the graphic titles, The Call of Duties, Prototype, GTA series, ect. And I don’t know which titles six year old Jack was allowed to play. parents differ, and I don’t know if his brother is older or younger, so I have no real way of saying if the games were inappropriate or not. Who knows?

And let's not forget about the hugely popular "Get in the van!" series of hand held games

Also, it’s quite hard to insulate your child from all the evils in the world. By the time I was six, I had probably heard the word ‘fuck’ more times than Andrew Dice Clay’s bathroom mirror.

Fuck! Look at me! Fuck! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Point is, Jack got bored in class on day and decided to draw a picture. The picture has been described as violent, but, since I can’t seem to find it anywhere on the interwebs, so I guess we’ll take their word for it. Who’s word, you ask? Well, the Taper Ave. Elementary School, San Pedro, Los Angeles. The picture was also captioned. The caption read- “I want to die.”

And now it’s pop quiz time!

Okey doke! Let’s say you’re a teacher at an elementary school. You note that a six year-old boy has drawn a ‘violent picture’, and captioned it as above. You:

A: Inform the child that the drawing is not appropriate for school, and then talk to him after class about the possible motivations behind said pic.

B: Ask the child to explain the drawing, then draw your own conclusion towards motivations and whether or not the incident needs to be reported to the child’s parent.

C: Take the drawing and give it to the parent , either with a note, or in person, to express any concerns you might have.

D: Assume that this six year old boy has just threatened to commit suicide, and immediately try to have him committed to a psyche ward, without parental consent.

Okay! Let’s see how you did! If you answer A, B, or C, congratulations! You are an actual, thinking human being! However, if you answered D, you are most likely:

A: An unbalanced idiot with no common sense.

B: A bureaucrat taught to follow the absolute letter of the code, with no regard for its actual intent.

C: An employee of the LAUSD. (Protip: ‘C’ guarantee’s that A & B are also correct.)

Yes.

That.

That is what they did. Ramon Cortines, acting on behalf of the LAUSD, called and emergency mental health number and had the boy placed on a 72 hour hold, against his mother’s wishes.

Teachers, leave that kid...oh, what? Never mind.

Holy shit? They can do that?

They can do that.

I do not know Jack. Perhaps Jack is a madman. I could be that Jack was just biding his time until he got home, until the time when he could pierce his neck with the cold, welcoming steel and invite death in like an old friend. Perhaps Jack is seriously disturbed, and is a genuine danger to others. He could be the source of all darkness in Los Angeles County, feeding on the fear and souls of a thousand…Oh, no. Wait, my bad. He’s six. All that shit I just said is ridiculous.

And their souls shall pop in my jaws like grapes!

I’m not saying that the pic should have been ignored out of hand. And I’m certainly not implying that they’re aren’t kids who genuinely need help. But, for reals? He’s six! Do you know what I was doing when I was six? I was playing with my GI Joes. And Snakeyes couldn’t wait to rape a motherfucker’s face with a katana. Someone probably should have called somebody.

And who gave the LAUSD the power to do that, anyway? That shit is insane. And you know what’s neat? That hold is going to follow him around ’til he’s eighteen! Awesome. I’ll bet Jack is going to think it’s cool when he’s dumped in with kids who really have problems and is subsequently ostracized by his peers. That probably won’t make him feel like an awkward outsider or anything.

And hell, even if it does,

We all

Know how well

That works out.

Congrats LAUSD, You win The Meat Suit!

Go chase tigers.


What’s The world Coming To When America’s Children Can’t Even Score Legitimate Drugs Anymore?

Posted in Music with tags , , , , , , , , on July 15, 2010 by Colin Walker

When I came home today, my fiancée asked me if I knew what idosing was. I had never heard about it. She said that, apparently, kids are using the frequencies to get ‘high’. The tracks are digital files you can download, or watch on Youtube, that kids swear create feelings of euphoria akin to drug use.

As usual, kids are fucking stupid.

What they are talking about is binaural beats, where two sounds of slightly different frequencies are played, in opposing ears. This creates a ‘beat’ not only audible to the listener, but a stimuli that effects the listeners actual brainwaves. Sounds Dope-Boy Fresh, doesn’t it? Yeah, until you realize that this has been around since Heinrich  Willhelm Dove discovered it in eighteen-thirty-fucking-nine.

Rock that shit, my ninja.

Here’s a news flash for the kids reading this. First off, why are you reading this? You should not be here if you are under eighteen, I curse, talk about the pooh-nan and beer, and am sometimes absurdly and unapologetically racist. Get the fuck out, now. Two, If you think that something that can actually get you high has been sitting around, pretty much unused, for one hundred and seventy goddamn years, you are a moron. But, we have established that. Let me put it to you hip young kids like this, where was the ‘lull’ period for cannabis? Cocaine? Heroin?

There wasn’t one. Since those drugs were discovered, people have been using them. Sure, usage has increased due to availability and better trade over the last century, but we’re not talking about something that only grows close to the equator, or a plant that has to be coddled for five months in an indoor greenhouse be a hippy named Jesus, we are talking about sound. Sound, kids, has been around for a while. (history)

Just fucking with ya, this event was completely silent.

Binaural beats have been proven to help with concentration, or relaxation, but nothing has ever been achieved that was anywhere close to intoxication. Everybody remembers that girl in junior high that would be over at a sleepover or birthday party and claim that she was ‘high off soda’. That was bullshit then, and guess what? You’re that girl now.

This Mountain Dew has got me FUCKED up.


Here’s a clip, in case there are any doubters. The instructions are to put on head phones, relax and enjoy. Try it out, if you’re a masochist.

Well, wasn’t that fucking horrible. Kids, when you take drugs, drugs FUCK YOU UP. That’s kind of what they’re for. I used to smoke so much weed I couldn’t remember where my dick was. I took so much ecstasy, that everybody was covered in rainbows, and every touch was an orgasm (That got fucking old quick, let me tell you). I’ve taken so much acid that I woke up in a room seemingly filled with giant spiders, I was naked, and my unhappy-to-be-awake-at-4 am father was standing in the doorway to my bedroom, swinging a stick at me every time I tried to leave. That is high. This shit, this shit is a shared headache.

Parents are worried that idosing will lead to stronger drugs. Parents, let me be clear here, if your kids are willing to listen to this shit to get ‘high’, they are upstairs, in your bathroom, right now, trying to drink your nail polish remover and eating your tampons, because they looked at the warning on the box and Toxoplasmosis sounded ‘epic’. Get them some fucking help, would you?

One of these kids is clearly having way more fun than the others.

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on January 19, 2010 by Colin Walker

So, most of us were told growing up that we were individuals. That we were perfect, unique, beautiful snowflakes, and what made us different was also what made us interesting. That was probably even true, until we all melded into subsets and started surrounding ourselves with people more and more like us. For the most part, I have failed. I will probably take my life tonight in a Jim Beam fueled incident at the zoo with the mama bear. She’s been giving me the eye again.

But you know who hasn’t failed? This kid! You know the one I mean. Look at him! He is ridiculous and at the same time completely smitten. He has followed the aspect of the sport that he truly loves and followed it. Even if this kid loses every match, he’ll still be winning, and that’s no bullshit. Bottoms up to this kid.