Archive for Drugs

What’s The world Coming To When America’s Children Can’t Even Score Legitimate Drugs Anymore?

Posted in Music with tags , , , , , , , , on July 15, 2010 by Colin Walker

When I came home today, my fiancée asked me if I knew what idosing was. I had never heard about it. She said that, apparently, kids are using the frequencies to get ‘high’. The tracks are digital files you can download, or watch on Youtube, that kids swear create feelings of euphoria akin to drug use.

As usual, kids are fucking stupid.

What they are talking about is binaural beats, where two sounds of slightly different frequencies are played, in opposing ears. This creates a ‘beat’ not only audible to the listener, but a stimuli that effects the listeners actual brainwaves. Sounds Dope-Boy Fresh, doesn’t it? Yeah, until you realize that this has been around since Heinrich  Willhelm Dove discovered it in eighteen-thirty-fucking-nine.

Rock that shit, my ninja.

Here’s a news flash for the kids reading this. First off, why are you reading this? You should not be here if you are under eighteen, I curse, talk about the pooh-nan and beer, and am sometimes absurdly and unapologetically racist. Get the fuck out, now. Two, If you think that something that can actually get you high has been sitting around, pretty much unused, for one hundred and seventy goddamn years, you are a moron. But, we have established that. Let me put it to you hip young kids like this, where was the ‘lull’ period for cannabis? Cocaine? Heroin?

There wasn’t one. Since those drugs were discovered, people have been using them. Sure, usage has increased due to availability and better trade over the last century, but we’re not talking about something that only grows close to the equator, or a plant that has to be coddled for five months in an indoor greenhouse be a hippy named Jesus, we are talking about sound. Sound, kids, has been around for a while. (history)

Just fucking with ya, this event was completely silent.

Binaural beats have been proven to help with concentration, or relaxation, but nothing has ever been achieved that was anywhere close to intoxication. Everybody remembers that girl in junior high that would be over at a sleepover or birthday party and claim that she was ‘high off soda’. That was bullshit then, and guess what? You’re that girl now.

This Mountain Dew has got me FUCKED up.


Here’s a clip, in case there are any doubters. The instructions are to put on head phones, relax and enjoy. Try it out, if you’re a masochist.

Well, wasn’t that fucking horrible. Kids, when you take drugs, drugs FUCK YOU UP. That’s kind of what they’re for. I used to smoke so much weed I couldn’t remember where my dick was. I took so much ecstasy, that everybody was covered in rainbows, and every touch was an orgasm (That got fucking old quick, let me tell you). I’ve taken so much acid that I woke up in a room seemingly filled with giant spiders, I was naked, and my unhappy-to-be-awake-at-4 am father was standing in the doorway to my bedroom, swinging a stick at me every time I tried to leave. That is high. This shit, this shit is a shared headache.

Parents are worried that idosing will lead to stronger drugs. Parents, let me be clear here, if your kids are willing to listen to this shit to get ‘high’, they are upstairs, in your bathroom, right now, trying to drink your nail polish remover and eating your tampons, because they looked at the warning on the box and Toxoplasmosis sounded ‘epic’. Get them some fucking help, would you?

If You Abuse Pork Chops, You Could Lose Everything

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on May 11, 2010 by Colin Walker

Kids, your uncle Coddy is here today to warn you against the perils of performance enhancing drugs. Now, now, I know what you’re going to say, ‘Cod, you said that this was a safe place where we could come and, you know…just be us. You said you wouldn’t get preachy.’ Okay, well you’re a fucking liar, because I never said that. And you’re most likely going to burn in a unimaginable hell full of Amway salesmen and Ke$ha remixes because of it. Damn and blast your eyes. But, I care about you. And I know that most of you reading this have high hopes for yourselves. I did an impromptu poll of this sites readers and found that those of you who are not planning on making a career in the porn industry or deep-sea welding have plans to become professional athletes. That’s great! Aim for the stars! My grandfather Lloyd used to aim for the stars all the time! It’s why he was shot dead in Korea.

But sometimes just wanting something very much and making a deal with a possessed doll-head isn’t enough. You’ve got to remember to ‘watch your six’. My grampa Lloyd never watched his six. That’s why he was stabbed by an angry pimp in a Korean brothel.

There all all kinds of little tricks and traps out there, sometimes masquerading as something benign. Take pork chops, for instance. Tong Wen, China’s Olympic judo champion, was recently stripped of her medal and banned from competing for two years. And do you know why? Fucking pork chops.

“Judy chop this, you fucking commie!”

That’s right. Pork chops can contain a chemical called Clenbuterol. And Clenbuterol is a performance enhancing drug:( Farmers will use Clenbuterol to try and keep the pigs from getting too fat, but it’s not water-solutable, and it can hang out in the muscles, just waiting for the next curling champion–I’m talking to you, Troy, to take a big ol’ bite. Tong’s trainer said that the champ had been scarfing down pork chops like Islam was about to be implemented before the test, and that’s why the results came back positive.

“I ate dis mrany!”

(Racist.)

Think it’s bullshit? So do I!

“That’s bullshit.”–Grandpa Lloyd, right before he was raped by werewolves in Korea.

But it happens all the time. Dennis Mitchell, a track and field star, was banned from the IAAF after testing positive for unusually high levels of testosterone. Instead of just copping to steroids like a normal, sane person, Dennis said that the peaked levels of boy-juice came from having sex four times a night and drinking beers. And also that he was a man’s man that could piss barbed wire and simultaneously bring a woman to orgasm in another state.

“Everyone, calm down. There’s enough cock for everybody.”

Floyd Landis was stripped of his Tour De France medal in 2006 for high testosterone, which he blamed on drinking whiskey the night before. But, after hearing Dennis’s  excuse, the judges were underwhelmed. “Couldn’t you have said you were gangbanging a bunch of nuns into a frenzy?” Said one. “Why didn’t you tell us you had just eaten a gorilla?” Asked antoher. “Why am I even here? According to the narrative of this article, I’ve been dead for sixty years.” Said Grandpa Lloyd.

But even if he had said these things, it wouldn’t have worked. Associations like those have a zero tolerance policy, leaving Floyd to weep sadly in the legendary shadow of Lance Armstrong’s pendulous uni-ball.

Blame it on the al-al-al-al-al-al-cohol

Love Is Blind, And Not Very Succinct.

Posted in Lovelorn with tags , , , , , , , , on May 10, 2010 by Colin Walker

Let me start out by saying how jealous I am of the entire female population as a whole. I try and play the role of matchmaker/pimp on this site from time to time, with, if you’ll allow me a little modest back patting, very favorable results. I mean, Who could forget train wreak number 1? This guy? Or, OH MY GOD PLEASE NO MORE! This gem. What I’m wondering is, where is my Cupid? My little bewinged arrow-shooting seraphim? I don’t have one, and that gives me a case of the sads. I guess this is one of those instances where I’m going to have to ‘pay it forward’. (Haley Joel Osment 1988-2012. Never forget) But I’ll be honest, I’m not big on charity. So somebody better set me up with a fine piece of ghetto meat soon, or I’m gonna bring the whole internet down.  And that is not a threat, it’s a promise. But anyway, here he is, your canidate for Baby Daddy, March 10, 2010.

“I thought I told you never to call me here.” Oh dear, I am not even possessed  of the proper hormones, and my heart is aflutter. Did any of you ladies notice the fake Aussie accent he tried to affect when he said his name? That smacks of class. He dropped that act, because between you and him, there can be no facades, no secrets. Just your heart and his. As long as you’re an Aquarian. The man can talk to plants, for fuck’s sake.

But in all seriousness, this was like the late eighties, early nineties. Men were trying to be deep, and this airheaded Winger reject probably got more big-haired poo-nan (Sir Codpiece, of the Village of Good Taste) than he deserved. As a matter of fact, are there any of you out there reading this who don’t know who your father is? Could be Dave here, just sayin’. And if that’s the case, I’ll ask you to put that keyboard down; it’s not edible.

Lindsay Lohan Is Rapidly Disintegrating

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on March 15, 2010 by Colin Walker

“Why don’t you come to my room later, tiger?”

Jeeeeeeeeeeesssssssuuuuuuuusssssssssss Christ! What in the hell is happening with Lindsay Lohan? I am not kidding. This is not a rhetorical question or a lead in to something else. REALLY. I would like to know what this is. Is this some kind of disease? I do not want that disease! She is fucking melting like the Wicked Witch of the West over there! Does she have fucking Progeria or something? Baby Jeebus forgive me if she does, but goddamn! Have I made this clear?

LINDSAY LOHAN IS TURNING INTO THE FUCKING DRAGON EMPEROR RIGHT IN FRONT OF US!

She is only twenty-three years old! Twenty-three!

Holy

shit.

Do you guys remember when she was just starting to get mainstream, and she looked like this?

That was an attractive young lady who looked like she was going to turn into a beautiful woman. What the fuck happened? I almost did a “Jesus, I thought they were dead’, piece on this, but I think she may actually be dying, and then the joke isn’t funny. I’m going to have to dust off an old chestnut here and just say “Cocaine is a hell of a drug”.

We Are All Shocked And Appalled That Flavor Flav Is Behind On His Child Support.

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on February 15, 2010 by Colin Walker

“Common Sense! Where have you been? You’re late!”

Listen, I don’t know about you guys, but I like to keep organized. I’ve been called everything from Dr. Organization to Papa Files, that’s how tight I run my game. I don’t know what you guys do, perhaps you stick those little yellow Post-it notes to your chest with peanut butter, reading them as you go about your day, but that’s weird and I don’t do that. Why do you do that?

Anyway, one of my things is, I like to keep lists. Not just To-Do lists, either, or wish lists, but lists for all sorts of things. One of theses lists I call my ‘Shheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet’ list, because the items on it represent or describe events that will never, under any circumstances, occur. I’m not going to bore you with the whole thing, but number 2 on that list, right after MC Hammer ever going broke, (You guys remember ‘Can’ Touch This’, right? Huge! He will literally never run out of money) is Flavor Flav falling behind in his child support payments.

Flavor Flav, pictured with his son, Stripe.

I mean, what the hell went wrong!? The economy really has to be in the toilet if a champion of moral values and responsibility like Flavor can be brought low with such absurd charges. You know what? I think I’m going to drag the economy out back and whup it’s ass for making The Flav look like that. Who’s with me?

Who’s with me?

Who’s…

“You Guys?”

Okay. So maybe it was unrealistic of me to expect any different from Flavor, who has, time and time again, shown us what a douche he is. But there’s just something about him.  Maybe it’s his eyes…

Yep, that’s probably it. But one thing that surprised me when I read about this story: Flavor Flav is fifty years old.

Fifty.

This guy:

I know someone who needs a new clock.

The Meat Suit Awards

Posted in The Meat Suit Awards with tags , , , , , , , on February 3, 2010 by Colin Walker

Wednesday, Feb. 3rd.

Rush Limbaugh

I’ll bet that none of you saw this coming! But honestly, to assuage any partisan whinery that may occur, I say to my right-wing friends that I am truly more of a middle-of-the-road guy. I think that both parties get up to detestable levels of fuckery and foolishness at times and need to be put in check. I also happen to think that Micheal Moore is a huge douche. Moore, Limbaugh, and Beck are all drunk mongoloids staggering off the same ship. Call it the S.S. Media Whore. These snarling jackasses take their political views to such bombastic extremes that even when they are right, you can’t agree with them. They are just too fucking embarrassing. But enough of Beck and Moore, I’m sure I’ll get to them later. Now for Rush’s moment:

Oh wow. Way to completely undermine your own speech there, champ. Everything you said can be discounted simply because of that childish wink-wink nudge-nudge joke. Even she was like ‘Ewww’. You can see it in her eyes. That joke may have even been funny, had you not been trying to align yourself with the fairer sex. And you were on Fox news! that’s like home turf! That’s like me giving myself a blowjob! You know the difference? I wouldn’t have messed up and broke my own neck like you did.  And you as Mr. America? Well…

Maybe.

But to hell with it. You’re awful. Here is your meat suit, go hunt some tigers. They have more tact than you.

And he’s happy about it! More attention for this ass, and more proof that the ‘Jersey Shore’ Fist Pump has permeated even the lowest echelons of society.

Dance, fat boy, dance.

Steven Tyler Wants You To Buy A Riding Lawnmower Right NA-NA-NA-NA-NOW!

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on January 26, 2010 by Colin Walker

Former front man of Aerosmith and notable pill-head Steven Tyler visited a California Home Depot on Saturday, where he grabbed the store mic and went into impromptu renditions of ‘Love In An Elevator’ and  ‘Dude Looks Like A Lady’.

“I’ll be happy to answer your questions as soon as you answer one of mine. Where the hell am I?”

Store management didn’t seem to mind, as no charges were filed and the singer was permitted to stay and sign autographs. No word was given as to why Tyler was in the Home Depot, when he was supposed to be in rehab in nearby  Rancho Mirage. Could he have been buying the necessary materials for a DIY rig that would allow him to get absolutely blitzed and still remain upright? Could he be buying some car wax for his Dodge Ram, because it is the Mayor of Truckville but he forgot they gave him one gratis during that failed ad campaign, and the damn thing is dirty? Who knows? Not me.

All I do know is that it must be pretty fun to be Steven Tyler. I mean, he’s got so much money he probably shits gold-plated bricks of coke and pisses molten platinum. He’s high off his ass constantly, can say whatever he wants and gets to throw  street-jam karaoke battles next to the Anderson Windows. G’head, Steve.

“I can’t taste my face.”