Archive for BrewDog

Codpiece VS. The Scots: BrewDog Storm And SKULLSPLITTER

Posted in Spirit Guide with tags , , , , , , on July 17, 2012 by Colin Walker

Spirit Guide

Two days in a row around here is like getting a hurricane after a drought. But, as a drought is a dry state, that doesn’t fit the climate in my house right now. No, after the Happy Birthday spending spree at The Wooden Keg, my area (and my brain) are quite wet. It be rainin’ beers, is what I’m saying! Also, I drink. Um…what? Whatever. Stop hassling me.

 Motherfuckers don’t understand how big I am in Germany.

So, in my unfaltering pursuit to bring you all the beer reviews and culinary abortions  possible, I’ll be reviewing all of them. I’ll probably take a break in the middle of it and post about something else, so the whole front page of the site isn’t swamped with nothing but beer reviews. But, who knows? I might not show up again for a couple months, and anyone who doesn’t like it can gobble taint.

 This was in the top ten results for ‘Gobble Taint’ on Google Image Search, and is therefore a relevant picture.

Today we’re being invaded by Scots. Both Brewdog’s Storm and Orkney’s SKULLSPLITTER (caps are mine, but c’mon, look at that fucking name. you have to cap that.) hail from the land of kilts and William Wallace.

 Mel Gibson is as Scottish as…

I’ve tried some Scottish beers before, and for the most part was unimpressed, but that’s like someone from Ireland claiming they don’t like American beers when all they’ve ever tried is Budweiser and Coors. So, let’s give them a shot, shall we? And remember, they can take our beers, but…No. No, they can’t take our beers.

 No, you seriously can’t fucking have them.

Brewdog Storm

  Brewdog is fucking crazy. Let’s just get that out of the way up front.  If you don’t remember the name, let me remind you of this:

 That is seriously some David Lynch shit right there.

Yep, they’re responsible for that. That’s End Of The World, a %55 ABV more-than-beer that comes wrapped in taxidermied, optionally dressed animals. A six pack of that will run you about $700. I’ve been eyeballing bottles of their Tactical Nuclear Penguin and Sink The Bismark ($80 and $100, respectively), and have not yet been able to justify he purchase. So, when I saw a bottle of this for $6, I saw it as a good opportunity to try a Brewdog beer.

Storm is an IPA that is made with New Zealand hops and aged in a  Scottish islet whiskey cask. Say what? Yeah, that’s how Brewdog does shit. They’re like your fucked up uncle that was always trying to get that old decommissioned jet engine running so he could duct tape it o the top of his Olds and blast down Main on a Sunday wearing no pants. Nuts, but you gotta respect him, he’s kind of dangerous.

 Pictured: The apex of automotive excellence.

Storm pours out with zero carbonation or head. That is to say, this beer comes flat right out of the bottle. I went online and checked to see if this was a fluke and I didn’t have a bad beer, but no, that’s how it’s supposed to be. So, I drank it, and…

Do you like Scotch? I do. Scotch is good. But, do you know what I’m not expecting when I drink a beer, even a beer that’s been aged in a scotch cask? Not scotch. This beer tasted like watered down Scotch. All woodsmoke and peat, right up front, dominating everything. No hint of the IPA was left.

Now, don’t get me wrong, once over the initial shock, I was fine. I finished the whole bottle. But, I was drinking beer to drink beer. When I want a Scotch, I’ll have that. So, ultimately, I’ll have to call this one a failure, despite how excited I was at the outset. Oh well, maybe they get better as you head up their product line. We’ll see.

Taste:  I’m pretty sure this would be impossible to drink if you didn’t like Scotch.

Drinkablity:  It’s weird that there’s no bubbles. Also, see above.

A.B.V. %8

Cost:  $6 a 12oz. bottle. That means it would cost me $30 to get drunk off of this.

Hangover rating:  Just drank the one, so I can’t call it.

Orkney Brewery’s SKULLSPLITTER

Oh shit, son. When a beer has a name like that, it’s either a case of  Names To Run Away From Really Fast, or Deathbringer The Adorable. We’ll see.

Oh, quick history lesson for you, if you were wondering what a Viking is doing on a bottle of Scottish beer, it’s because that’s  Thorfinn Turf-Einersson, Earl Of Orkney. His nickname was SKULLSPLITTER. No shit. The Vikings ran shit in northern Scotland until the mid 12th century, and the SKULLSPLITTER was a Jarl up there. You know, like in Skyrim.

The beer pours reddish brown and smells quite pleasant. Dark, but fruity. The taste is phenomenal. I was expecting an overly malty mess, but this is a balanced blend of plums and smoke and toffee. Drinking this is like smoking a cigar while draped over the ass of a plus-size model. Fuck what it looks like, man, it feels good.

Buy this beer. Because, it didn’t wind up being a case of either naming trope being true. SKULLSPLITTER isn’t an empty threat or a complete berserker. He’s your Viking homeboy. And if you get a four pack, we’ll all go and ride unicorns. TOGETHER.

 Oh my god fuck yes.

Taste:  A wonderful surprise. Very complex and enjoyable.

Drinkability:  Easy. despite how dark this is, there’s no trouble whatsoever.

A.B.V. %8.5

Cost: $10 for four

Hangover Rating: I have to buy more of these to know, I’ll update this later.

Posted in Spirit Guide with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 22, 2010 by Colin Walker

Now, admittedly, the title of this post is relatively crass, but at The Playground, we believe that the first response is usually the correct response. That is why I am no longer allowed in the state of Ohio. And you’ll all forgive me, I’m sure, but when I saw this:

PETA and MADD got together and invented a nightmare.  “Where is the kick!?”

I “’bout lost my shit”, as my grandma puts it.

Now, this is the interwebs, and Photoshop is a very real thing. When you see this, you could easily be all, “Coddy, broham, that’s just some surrealist photo shoop-de-whoop.” Let me just stop you right there and ask you why we are friends, with you talking like that? Also, you’re fucking wrong!

Wrong!

That, is BrewDog’s Roadkill Beer. It is a real thing, from Scotland. And if you think that’s fucked up, let me show you this:

Hooooooooooo! Holy shit! You can get the damn things in Scottish regalia or dressed as butlers! And they are real taxidermied animals! What the hell is wrong with these people? I fucking love them!

Now, a lot of you are going to be butthurt. I know that. Some of you will squeal in absolute horror that those are real animals. You will cry in all manner about how that is wrong, and morally reprehensible. But, allow me to put your mind at ease. Yes, those are real, cuddly little squirrels. (You can also get them in  stoat or rabbit.) But, that hollowed-out husk of what would have otherwise been a cute living thing is wrapped around a bottle of End Of The World, BrewDog’s strongest offering. It’s 55% ABV, which, if you’re keeping track at home, means that this beer is stronger than vodka. There! I’ll bet you feel better now, don’t you?

Quit your fucking crying. You want something to cry about? MOMMY IS NEVER COMING BACK!

Anyhow, I suppose it goes without saying that I have to have this. You guys knew that from the get-go. And here is how you can finally give back to the site and its online community! This shit is $760! I need help buying it! I mean, yeah, I have $760, but I don’t have $760 for fucking beer. If you all get together and help, though, we can get this done and I will feature this beer in the Spirit Guide. Fuck yes! Who’s with me!?

You guys?