Archive for the The Meat Suit Awards Category

Crayola Columbine

Posted in The Meat Suit Awards with tags , , , , , , , , , , on February 16, 2011 by Colin Walker

Jack Dorman is six years old. Jack’s Father is stationed in Iraq. Jack, and his brother, are being raised by his mother Syndi. Things are not optimal. The stress of not having his father around has weighed on everybody in the family. Jack likes to play video games. Jack likes to draw. And that got him in a whole lot of trouble.

Most video games these days are violent. Sure, there are some that don’t have any violence at all, like Dora’s Adventures Through Oxycodone Stare Land,and Kermit Teaches You Math With A Grown Man’s Fist In His Ass, but ultimately, all video games have at least some level of cartoon, slapstick, or unseen but implied violence in them. Of course, then you’ve got the graphic titles, The Call of Duties, Prototype, GTA series, ect. And I don’t know which titles six year old Jack was allowed to play. parents differ, and I don’t know if his brother is older or younger, so I have no real way of saying if the games were inappropriate or not. Who knows?

And let's not forget about the hugely popular "Get in the van!" series of hand held games

Also, it’s quite hard to insulate your child from all the evils in the world. By the time I was six, I had probably heard the word ‘fuck’ more times than Andrew Dice Clay’s bathroom mirror.

Fuck! Look at me! Fuck! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Point is, Jack got bored in class on day and decided to draw a picture. The picture has been described as violent, but, since I can’t seem to find it anywhere on the interwebs, so I guess we’ll take their word for it. Who’s word, you ask? Well, the Taper Ave. Elementary School, San Pedro, Los Angeles. The picture was also captioned. The caption read- “I want to die.”

And now it’s pop quiz time!

Okey doke! Let’s say you’re a teacher at an elementary school. You note that a six year-old boy has drawn a ‘violent picture’, and captioned it as above. You:

A: Inform the child that the drawing is not appropriate for school, and then talk to him after class about the possible motivations behind said pic.

B: Ask the child to explain the drawing, then draw your own conclusion towards motivations and whether or not the incident needs to be reported to the child’s parent.

C: Take the drawing and give it to the parent , either with a note, or in person, to express any concerns you might have.

D: Assume that this six year old boy has just threatened to commit suicide, and immediately try to have him committed to a psyche ward, without parental consent.

Okay! Let’s see how you did! If you answer A, B, or C, congratulations! You are an actual, thinking human being! However, if you answered D, you are most likely:

A: An unbalanced idiot with no common sense.

B: A bureaucrat taught to follow the absolute letter of the code, with no regard for its actual intent.

C: An employee of the LAUSD. (Protip: ‘C’ guarantee’s that A & B are also correct.)



That is what they did. Ramon Cortines, acting on behalf of the LAUSD, called and emergency mental health number and had the boy placed on a 72 hour hold, against his mother’s wishes.

Teachers, leave that kid...oh, what? Never mind.

Holy shit? They can do that?

They can do that.

I do not know Jack. Perhaps Jack is a madman. I could be that Jack was just biding his time until he got home, until the time when he could pierce his neck with the cold, welcoming steel and invite death in like an old friend. Perhaps Jack is seriously disturbed, and is a genuine danger to others. He could be the source of all darkness in Los Angeles County, feeding on the fear and souls of a thousand…Oh, no. Wait, my bad. He’s six. All that shit I just said is ridiculous.

And their souls shall pop in my jaws like grapes!

I’m not saying that the pic should have been ignored out of hand. And I’m certainly not implying that they’re aren’t kids who genuinely need help. But, for reals? He’s six! Do you know what I was doing when I was six? I was playing with my GI Joes. And Snakeyes couldn’t wait to rape a motherfucker’s face with a katana. Someone probably should have called somebody.

And who gave the LAUSD the power to do that, anyway? That shit is insane. And you know what’s neat? That hold is going to follow him around ’til he’s eighteen! Awesome. I’ll bet Jack is going to think it’s cool when he’s dumped in with kids who really have problems and is subsequently ostracized by his peers. That probably won’t make him feel like an awkward outsider or anything.

And hell, even if it does,

We all

Know how well

That works out.

Congrats LAUSD, You win The Meat Suit!

Go chase tigers.

I Was Sexually Assaulted By A Man Who Had Cerebral Palsy Since Birth.

Posted in The Meat Suit Awards, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on May 11, 2010 by Colin Walker

This is exactly what Judge Souless Fucking Monster  an anonymous Taxi and Limousine Committee (NY) judge alleges happened to her last October. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, ‘Coddy, so what? That’s perfectly plausible, depending on his level of mobility and brain function. Why you trippin’?’ First off, stop saying stuff like ‘why you trippin’. It embarrasses both of us. Second, as far as his level of mobility is concerned, Dr. Palsy, it’s pretty much non-existent.

Cheecho Mertsaris has had Cerebral Palsy ever since brain damage he sustained at birth. He has absolutely no control over his motor functions and has been confined to a wheelchair for as long as he could fit into one. He cannot even eat unassisted. Dispite all that, Mertsaris is actually a lawyer for the NY TLC. You see, there is nothing at all wrong with the way Mr. Mertsaris thinks, he learns just as well as you or I, and communicates through e-mail with the help of an assistant. He cannot, however, control his limbs. His appendages are apt to go swaying to and fro or jerk spasmodically at any moment.  So basically he’s kind of like this guy:

“Let me lick you up and down, ’til you say ‘stop’.”

But a lawyer, not a guy who could probably figure out how to rip the universe open with his bare hands, if he could only use them.

So, Cheecho, pretty inspiring guy, right? He overcame huge, constant obstacles to become a lawyer, stuff that would most likely drive this author to pay someone to push him down a steep flight of stairs or ‘accidentally’ shoot me in the face while hunting quail in my living room.

“You’re welcome.”

You would think that you would look up to a guy like that, or, at the very least, pity him. But you wouldn’t. Not if you were Judge What The Fuck Is Wrong With You, Really? this judge. No, is you were her, you would say that Mr Mertsaris touched you inappropriately on your hindquarters when you and he were alone together. Then you would file a case against him. Because being her, you are also a shameless fucking monster.


This is one of those times when you would think that class and common fucking sense would come together and this woman would just realize that she was being crazy, that this guy is dealing with issues that she could never hope to comprehend, and that he couldn’t have possibly gotten any benefit out of his spasming arm brushing against her cold, reptilian butt cheek.

But, no.

This is from the Fox article: “A spokesman for the district attorney’s office told Fox 5 that the prosecutor believes that Mertsaris uses his hands.”


Because this guy had nothing better to do for his entire life than pretend like he had a crippling, debilitating disease. And , he did that for the sole purpose of one day briefly touching some uptight, demon judge’s ass. That’s brilliant. I didn’t even start off this post with this intention, but fuck it. You win.

Go hunt tigers.

The Meat Suit Awards

Posted in The Meat Suit Awards with tags , , , , , , , on February 3, 2010 by Colin Walker

Wednesday, Feb. 3rd.

Rush Limbaugh

I’ll bet that none of you saw this coming! But honestly, to assuage any partisan whinery that may occur, I say to my right-wing friends that I am truly more of a middle-of-the-road guy. I think that both parties get up to detestable levels of fuckery and foolishness at times and need to be put in check. I also happen to think that Micheal Moore is a huge douche. Moore, Limbaugh, and Beck are all drunk mongoloids staggering off the same ship. Call it the S.S. Media Whore. These snarling jackasses take their political views to such bombastic extremes that even when they are right, you can’t agree with them. They are just too fucking embarrassing. But enough of Beck and Moore, I’m sure I’ll get to them later. Now for Rush’s moment:

Oh wow. Way to completely undermine your own speech there, champ. Everything you said can be discounted simply because of that childish wink-wink nudge-nudge joke. Even she was like ‘Ewww’. You can see it in her eyes. That joke may have even been funny, had you not been trying to align yourself with the fairer sex. And you were on Fox news! that’s like home turf! That’s like me giving myself a blowjob! You know the difference? I wouldn’t have messed up and broke my own neck like you did.  And you as Mr. America? Well…


But to hell with it. You’re awful. Here is your meat suit, go hunt some tigers. They have more tact than you.

And he’s happy about it! More attention for this ass, and more proof that the ‘Jersey Shore’ Fist Pump has permeated even the lowest echelons of society.

Dance, fat boy, dance.

The Meat Suit Awards

Posted in The Meat Suit Awards with tags , , on January 18, 2010 by Colin Walker

The Meat Suit Awards!

Appreciation, son!

Welcome to the inaugural occurrence of a semi-regular feature. In ‘The Meat Suit Awards’ (MSA) We will honor an individual who has transcended rational thought so completely, gone so boldly in a different direction, and left us so jaw-droppingly awed as to make us question the reality of all things around us.

And here he is, the first recipient: Pat Robertson!

Oh, Patty—you so crayzup!

You all might remember the evangelist from some 2005 comments he made about Hurricane Katrina, when he said that God was punishing the country for “The wholesale slaughter of unborn children” Man! Was he right about that! Whew, I’m glad I’ve got Patty Double-R (I call him Double-R ‘cause we’re homies) to give that some perspective. This is, after all, America—and regardless of your views on abortion, you’ve got to agree we should not be slaughtering children wholesale. We live in a capitalist country, and God would like to see us make a profit. I hear you, Pat!

But that’s not why Patty is getting this award today. Hell, no! That was in 2005! Do I look like I live in the past? ‘You need to get to 88MPH, Marty!’—Christopher Lloyd. No, Pat is the first cat to get this because of some new comments he made about the earthquake in Haiti. Pat alluded to the fact that Haiti had made a pact with the devil during the French occupation of their country and was now paying for it. Here is the original quote.

“You know … something happened a long time ago in Haiti. … They got together and swore a pact to the Devil,” Robertson said on the Christian Broadcasting Network’s “700 Club” Wednesday.

“They said, ‘We will serve you if you get us free from the French.’ True story.” That’s right: Robertson seems to suggest the Haitians brought the earthquake on themselves, in a deal with Satan.

“And so, the Devil said, ‘OK, it’s a deal.’ And they kicked the French out,” he went on. “You know, the Haitians revolted and got themselves free. But ever since, they have been cursed by one thing after another.”

Wow! Damn, Pat! You puttin’ down some mad science! It’s like, I almost don’t know if I should take you seriously. Does anybody remember when Ol’ Dirty Bastard from Wu-Tang Clan used to talk? It was so absurd there was always a feeling like he was screwing with you, but doing it very, very well. This is that, that is this. Maybe Pat Robertson is the Mayor of Crazytown, and his Spam scepter rots in his hand as he weeps about the Baby Lord Jesus in swaddling clothes, or maybe he’s sitting back with a drink right now, laughing at us all and whispering “Trolled.” Who knows? Only Pat. And he’s too crazy to talk to you right now. Here’s your Meat Suit Pat! Now go hunt tigers!