Archive for the People Who Should Not Be Having Sex Category

This Valentine’s Day, You Should Have Been Paying More Attention To Your Boyfriend

Posted in Dating and Ronance, People Who Should Not Be Having Sex with tags , , , , on February 14, 2011 by Colin Walker

I totally understand that you’re busy. These days, who isn’t? Well, except for the Egyptians. They’re not busy. From looking at the photo below, you would think that all these people have to do all day is stand around.

Lazy.

That right there is either A Justin Bieber concert or a gathering of Middle Eastern people specifically designed to provide nightmare fodder for Tea Party members. IT’S CALLED WORK, PEOPLE! Jesus.

But back to what I was saying, I know you have a lot going on. What with your job, and your Red Hat Society meetings and your Call Of Duty: Chewbacca’s Revenge and all. It’s cool. We all have a ton of stuff going on. I barely have time to update my Twitter feed trying to keep up with all these mysterious hippo deaths. What’s that? You haven’t heard about the Mysterious hippo deaths?  That’s because they haven’t checked my backyard yet.

White man's burden.

But seriously, it’s Valentine’s day, for god’s sake. You really should peel yourself away from those Glen Beck podcasts and spend a little time with your boyfriend, the man to whom you have committed your heart. You know how he acts when you ignore him.

So.

Yeah.

Your boyfriend is an interesting guy, I’ll give him that. Maybe I should give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that it was the animatronic characters that got him all sex’d up, and not the children.

I mean, shit...I'd hit that.

Aw, who am I kidding? Your boyfriend is a total fucking skeezbucket. Props to the manager who chased him across two parking lots and a six-lane highway to catch him. Your boyfriend’s love is one that burns too brightly. For kids.

Seriously, What The Fuck Is Wrong With You People?

Posted in Jesus, People Who Should Not Be Having Sex with tags , , , , , , , , , on July 15, 2010 by Colin Walker

Look, we all know that the internet is a wonderful thing. It is a large, open-air buffet of artistic expression and ideas. Think of how you spend your time today, vs. the way you spent that time twelve or fifteen years ago. If your reading this post, there’s a good chance you spend a lot of time on the internet. (Because, fuck, if you’re here, you must be bored as shit, and you really need to find a better way to spend you time. I’m calling your mother.)

But as great as the internet is, with it’s endless feeds of things to read and look at, the internet can be dangerous, too. Like meeting a nice girl, and taking her home to find that her lady parts are filled with whirring razors and the disembodied souls of Vietnamese street buskers, the internet can tempt you, then turn on you in an instant.  There are pictures and video on the internet capable of causing damage that only full frontal lobotomies and the sweet embrace of death can erase.

I currently offer a course on internet safety, which can help you to navigate around these disturbing pits of agony. Simply send me $25.99 and I will send you the lessons, be sure to specify Beta-Max or 5″ floppy. You can look at the picture below and still keep your sanity, I promise you that. Coddy wouldn’t run you into a wall like that. Not unless that shit was really, really funny.  No, this image is not as scarring, as it is perplexing. Like, what the fuck?

Pictured: Nightmare fodder.

Ooooookay.

Um, there’s more that a few things wrong with this. First off, we have to start with the fact that this is a modified product. Disney is a pretty progressive, oft-times perverted company, but even I have a problem believing that they would license this thing. So, this was bought, (note the legit tag) then modified by someone.

That’s…good? I mean, it’s good in the sense that there aren’t a million of these things floating around behind older brother’s bedroom doors, waiting for the moment when in the act of Coitus Cervidae, younger sister opens said door only to have all that makes sense in the world be obliterated in one embarrassing instant. But, then again, somebody made this thing, and what the fuck is wrong with that guy?

Okay, this isn’t that ‘Furry’ shit, because with that, at least there is a person in the costume. But this isn’t bestiality, either, because that’s not a real animal, but it does represent one, so…What? But homosexuality? Yes? Because Bambi was actually a boy? But now he has a vagina? Does that make him a trans-sexual, or is that cancelled out by the fact that he’s an animal? Is that cancelled out by the fact that it’s stuffed, and was never alive in the first place? Is that a silk lined vagina, because if it is…This is too confusing, even for me. I gotta go.

People Who Should Not Be Having Sex

Posted in People Who Should Not Be Having Sex with tags , , , , on February 25, 2010 by Colin Walker

2012 cannot come soon enough.

Thanks, Ladies, For Making Valentine’s Day Special.

Posted in Lovelorn, People Who Should Not Be Having Sex with tags , , , on February 15, 2010 by Colin Walker

Anybody who knows me knows I loves me some Twitter.  I Twitter so much, the Twitter Master has to send me a schedule of when he would prefer me to Twitter, as not to choke the server and mess up any of you other good people that might want to put out there that you are ‘Having the most boss slice of pizza right now, seriously’. I’m all about the social networking, and yesterday was a prime example of social networking gone right.

If you are one of the trillion or so females that follow me on the Twitters, you surely saw the Tweet I sent out last night about my man, Geoff. I read a study (or someone else read it and told me about it–like I have time to read studies with all the Tweeting!) about how Valentine’s day is hook-up prime time for single ladies.

“I’m way more likely to give it up on VD.”

And since nobody likes to be alone, I sent out a link to my boy Geoff’s online dating page. Because, let’s face it, you needed him, and he’ll take anything he can get. Click photo to enlarge.

That’s my boy! He even trimmed it up for you, for this special day! Dual hearts! Only Geoff could pull that off. I’m saying, if you are looking for something a little more serious that just a casual encounter, like you had with him last night, I’m sure he’d be down with it. Geoff is a sensitive guy. His favorite movie is ‘The Notebook’. He cries after sex! What more could you ask for? I mean, he’s got Queensryche forehead, but you can get past that. You’re bigger than that.

“Operation, Forehead.”

*Queensryche’s disease is a serious ailment that effects approximately fourteen percent of the worlds male population. If you would like to make a donation to the Queensryche’s Disease Foundation, please contact the author of this site, and give your credit card information directly to him.*

People Who Should Not Be Having Sex

Posted in People Who Should Not Be Having Sex with tags , , on January 18, 2010 by Colin Walker

In this feature, I will showcase individuals who should really not be having any kind of sex. Ever. At all.

We’re going to have to start the day off on a sad note. I’m sorry about that. Maybe it’s just me feeling cynical at the start of the workweek. Maybe it’s the heroin. I dunno.

“Sounds like somebody has a case of the Mondays”—Nina.

“BOOM”—Smith & Wesson.

But seriously, check out that fucking question, will you? I admit, could be we’re being trolled here. The answer is trolling without question. Or, it could be somebody who is just curious asking a very stupid question that is unrelated to them, but sadly, I don’t think so.

No, I think that there is really some idiotic 2nd trimester teen out there that thinks that little Kei$ha Underwood Smith is going to emerge from the Smith love canal knocked-up. She probably thinks that every time a penis goes in there the kid is playing whack-a-mole. And that is just sad, you guys. Keep your little sister off the streets, for god’s sake.