Archive for the Lovelorn Category

Love Is Blind, And Not Very Succinct.

Posted in Lovelorn with tags , , , , , , , , on May 10, 2010 by Colin Walker

Let me start out by saying how jealous I am of the entire female population as a whole. I try and play the role of matchmaker/pimp on this site from time to time, with, if you’ll allow me a little modest back patting, very favorable results. I mean, Who could forget train wreak number 1? This guy? Or, OH MY GOD PLEASE NO MORE! This gem. What I’m wondering is, where is my Cupid? My little bewinged arrow-shooting seraphim? I don’t have one, and that gives me a case of the sads. I guess this is one of those instances where I’m going to have to ‘pay it forward’. (Haley Joel Osment 1988-2012. Never forget) But I’ll be honest, I’m not big on charity. So somebody better set me up with a fine piece of ghetto meat soon, or I’m gonna bring the whole internet down.  And that is not a threat, it’s a promise. But anyway, here he is, your canidate for Baby Daddy, March 10, 2010.

“I thought I told you never to call me here.” Oh dear, I am not even possessed  of the proper hormones, and my heart is aflutter. Did any of you ladies notice the fake Aussie accent he tried to affect when he said his name? That smacks of class. He dropped that act, because between you and him, there can be no facades, no secrets. Just your heart and his. As long as you’re an Aquarian. The man can talk to plants, for fuck’s sake.

But in all seriousness, this was like the late eighties, early nineties. Men were trying to be deep, and this airheaded Winger reject probably got more big-haired poo-nan (Sir Codpiece, of the Village of Good Taste) than he deserved. As a matter of fact, are there any of you out there reading this who don’t know who your father is? Could be Dave here, just sayin’. And if that’s the case, I’ll ask you to put that keyboard down; it’s not edible.

Thanks, Ladies, For Making Valentine’s Day Special.

Posted in Lovelorn, People Who Should Not Be Having Sex with tags , , , on February 15, 2010 by Colin Walker

Anybody who knows me knows I loves me some Twitter.  I Twitter so much, the Twitter Master has to send me a schedule of when he would prefer me to Twitter, as not to choke the server and mess up any of you other good people that might want to put out there that you are ‘Having the most boss slice of pizza right now, seriously’. I’m all about the social networking, and yesterday was a prime example of social networking gone right.

If you are one of the trillion or so females that follow me on the Twitters, you surely saw the Tweet I sent out last night about my man, Geoff. I read a study (or someone else read it and told me about it–like I have time to read studies with all the Tweeting!) about how Valentine’s day is hook-up prime time for single ladies.

“I’m way more likely to give it up on VD.”

And since nobody likes to be alone, I sent out a link to my boy Geoff’s online dating page. Because, let’s face it, you needed him, and he’ll take anything he can get. Click photo to enlarge.

That’s my boy! He even trimmed it up for you, for this special day! Dual hearts! Only Geoff could pull that off. I’m saying, if you are looking for something a little more serious that just a casual encounter, like you had with him last night, I’m sure he’d be down with it. Geoff is a sensitive guy. His favorite movie is ‘The Notebook’. He cries after sex! What more could you ask for? I mean, he’s got Queensryche forehead, but you can get past that. You’re bigger than that.

“Operation, Forehead.”

*Queensryche’s disease is a serious ailment that effects approximately fourteen percent of the worlds male population. If you would like to make a donation to the Queensryche’s Disease Foundation, please contact the author of this site, and give your credit card information directly to him.*

Heartbroken? Try Having The Shit Scared Out Of You.

Posted in Lovelorn with tags , , on February 12, 2010 by Colin Walker

“Death Bear Stare!”

In Brooklyn, NY, you can call a seven foot tall man in a black costume with a ominous looking bear head to come take your stuff. Well, not your stuff, someone else’s stuff. Like your Ex. Because why wouldn’t you do that?

‘Ja’kwon, don’t forget your dirty-AAAAARRRRRGGGHHHH!!!11!!”

‘Death Bear’ is the creation of some performance artist guy. I know his name, but I am not going to further promote him by listing it here. Because this is fruity.

If you have recently went through a nasty breakup, (or just need something collected, he’ll do that, too.) Death Bear will come to your house, and you can give him items that either remind you of, or belong to, your Ex. Never mind the fact that might be, oh, I dunno, illegal.

“Hey Tracy, listen, I left my leather coat at your house. I paid for it, with money, and would like it back.”

“You should have thought about that before you broke up with me. I gave your property to a terrifying bear-man hybrid. Have a nice life!”

“The Fuck?”

You see, it makes sense, because the end of a relationship is kind of like a little death. So this man, who is not paid for his services, will show up in full noir ursidae regalia to take things that trigger memories of that relationship so that you can move on. In my eighth grade drama class, they called this ‘symbolism’.  It’s heavy.

So heavy, in fact, that the artist chose to do this in Brooklyn, because people in Brooklyn would ‘get it’. I am glad that people in Brooklyn are not only capable of understanding ham-fisted symbolism, but encourage it! But Brooklyn is full of hipsters now, so what do you expect?

“Hey you, in the glasses and the hoodie, get off our lawn!”

But hey, maybe people need this. This guy is taking unwanted (at least by the current possessor) and taking it to the landfill, or goodwill, or something.

Oh.

No.

Wait.

He keeps the stuff in his apartment. Which isn’t creepy at all.

Your Search Is Over

Posted in Lovelorn with tags , , , on February 1, 2010 by Colin Walker

Okay, we’ve been through a lot, I know that. And I know that you’ve been thinking of leaving me. That’s fine. Sometimes not staying together is the best thing for both people. There’s no point in carrying on if we’re just going to drive each other crazy anyway. But why didn’t you tell me there was someone else? I’m kind of hurt to have to find out like this, by searching your  hard drive and coming across this video. But do I blame you? No, I do not. This guy, he seems to have it all going on.

See, why didn’t you just tell me? I would’ve understood. I mean, I know when I’m out-gunned, okay? It’s like if I were a basketball player, and Micheal Jordan came back out of retirement to foul-line dunk over my head. Got to respect the game. He’s got a six inch penis for god’s sake! What I’m gonna do against that? A better question, what are you going to do against that?

The answer is, “so much”.