Archive for the I Thought They Were Dead! Category

Jesus! I thought They Were Dead!

Posted in I Thought They Were Dead! with tags , , , on February 25, 2010 by Colin Walker

Dolph Lundgren

“Motivation? Muscle-bound and stupid.”

Dolph Lundgren was recently discovered not to be dead! That is awesome! He was totally my favorite evil white boxing character from the Rocky franchise.

“I will break you. With my hair.”

Gossip Protip: Dolph Lundgren is not a Russian! He played a Russian at least twice. Once in the aforementioned Rocky flick and then again in the Oscar-nominated* Red Scorpion. But he is a big Swede! Ol’ Big Swedish Bastard! That is what his name would be if he hadn’t been late for that Wu-Tang audition back in ’89.

Come to think of it, I believe that they’re are several films where it is inferred, if not stated outright, that his character is of Soviet descent. And you know what, that was fine with Dolph! Because Dolph was not an idiot and knew that the late eighties American film audience had a hard-on for big red baddies, and he would give them what they wanted.

But then communism fell in The Motherland, the mighty U.S.S.R. disintegrated, and most of the choice roles Dolph was accustomed to went with it. He faded into a kind of action movie obscurity, his lot thrown in with the likes of Danny Trejo and That Chick With The Huge Tits Who Was Always Firing The Machine Gun. You know the one I mean.

After a while, I thought That Dolph had gone quietly, maybe drank himself to death in a hot-tub with a few members of a seedy strip joint’s ‘C’ team on standby, a bottle of Stolichnaya (because Hollywood had me convinced he was a Pinko) slowly sliding out of his relaxing hand.

Then I saw this! And this, is proof that not only is Dolph Lundgren not dead, he is a lumbering amusement that will do anything you want, as long as you pay his scheduling fee, validate his parking, and buy him a few drinks.

Holy shit.

I bet you didn’t see that coming. Dolph Lundgren is like a big, lumbering, bear mailing it in all over that stage. But, kind of frantically mailing it in, as if he knows it’s his last chance, but he knows there is no hope, but they are playing the music…so…. I mean, when he got to the drum-set, the drummer wasn’t even there anymore, like he saw Dolph coming and was all: “Fuck this, I’m not getting beat up by Dolph Lundgren in front of all these people.”

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to insult the man. Even though he’s fifty three years old, I’m thinking that Dolph might still whip my ass. But, damn; did you see the way he was moving out there? Ugh. My childhood weeps.

*Are you fucking kidding me?

Hey guys, gerardo is not dead!

Posted in I Thought They Were Dead! with tags , , on January 29, 2010 by Colin Walker

(Jesus, I Thought They Were Dead!)

“Pantene. Why, what do you use?”

RRRRRRRRRicoo.

Shit. Who can forget Gerardo? Well, we all could have, had I not just reminded you. Sorry, I guess. But here’s the thing, in 1992, Gerardo was kind of a big deal. Seriously.

I’m not kidding.  I know that some of you who might not be familliar with him are all like, ‘Uh, nice try, but…no.’ I know that my mom is thinking, ‘Ohh, Latin Candy’ and that is weird. But really, this dude was all over MTV that year, rapping bi-lingually with that goddamn bandanna on.

Dos mios! Is that the end of my career?”

In 1992, you could not get away from this guy. You’d turn on MTV and be unfortunate enough to catch Eric on ‘The Grind’, hat sideways, unlikely medallion hanging, gesturing and saying in pitch-perfect white-boy street-slang (I love hyphens) “Yo, yo, yo, here’s something that is so def right now! (Def, you remember def, it’s what you’re British Knights were.) Gerardo”s hot new video, ‘Rico Suave’!” Then, bam! three plus minutes of a smiling Latino gyrating his crotch.

Mariachis, always relevant.

The video wasn’t a complete bust, though. It was poolside, and he did surround himself with a bevy of bikini-clad mamacitas. Big hair was big, but it was 1992, y’all–just sayin’.

Pictured from left to right: Sadness.

So, what’s Gerardo up to now? Well, he’s not dead! He’s still doing music, although mostly Latino-exclusive stuff. He is also an executive at Interscope Records. There, he was responsible for signing such acts as Enrique Iglesias and Bubba Sparxxx. So you can thank him for that. He looks pretty normal now, too!

No more sassy bandanna! You guys shouldn’t have thought he was dead. I’m beginning to think that you are all racists.

Jesus! I Thought They Were Dead!

Posted in I Thought They Were Dead! with tags , , on January 18, 2010 by Colin Walker

Okey-Doke! It’s time for something that is both fresh and dope! (These are the words I heard those kids using on A Different World. Now I am fly.) This is called “Jesus! I Thought They Were Dead!” (JITTWD) A feature where we reconnect with someone who was once quite famous but has since faded to a level of obscurity usually reserved for those no longer inhabiting this earth. The people we profile here aren’t famous enough to be featured on ‘Behind The Music’, or anything, but chances are, you will know who I’m talking about. Let’s start it off. Snow.

Snow? You’re godd**n right, Snow. In 1993 Snow made it BIG (big in caps means really big for those of you following at home) with his hit single ‘Informer’. How big? 8 million albums. 8 F**king million. You guys ever heard of someone called ‘Lil Wayne? A little black dreadlocked midget you can’t turn the radio on in the last three years without hearing? Kind of sounds like a Speak and Spell? Yeah. Him. Here’s some perspective: his album only sold 3 million copies. “Holy s**t.”—David Geffen.

If you don’t remember ‘Informer’, I’ll help you out. There was Snow, dressed in ridiculous clothes, (the early nineties were nothing but the late eighties as far as fashion was concerned) boom-shakka-lak-lakkin’ along in an unintelligible patois. It was catchy, but nobody knew what the hell he was saying. MTV even started showing a captioned edition of the video so that fans could follow along. If you missed that, and are still stumped about the words, I’ll help you out.  The chorus went: “Informer, you no say
that’s who I’m gonna blame
a licky boom boom down
Detective man said Daddy Snow
I stabbed someone down the lane
a licky boom boom down”

NOW you know who I mean. And now that you know those lyrics, you are a better, more fulfilled person. Your existence is somehow more complete for having learned them. I am the ambassador to the rest of your life for that. You are welcome. But to hell with all that, right? What’s the big question here? How did an Irish-Canadian wind up being a flash-in-the-pan Reggae musician? What came over him? How did we let him get away with that? No! None of those are the question! Next week, I’m going down to Louisiana to become a famous Zydaco performer, and that is perfectly reasonable. No, The question was, what’s up with Snow? Is he dead? Short answer? No! Snow is not dead! In fact, here is a recent picture. He looks like he’s going to pull a Chinese finger trap on that chick with his buddy!

So what’s he up to? Well, pretty much the same thing he was before. Except not nearly as successfully. He’s still making Reggae music, you just don’t hear it anymore. Life is like that, and that is perfectly okay. Furthermore, I think all of you are kind of morbid for assuming he was dead. That’s screwed up, you guys. Here is a picture of Snow with some Asians to close.