Here were are again, with me a few weeks older and absolutely no wiser. It’s the Culinary Cataclysm, wherein I attempt to raise a host from the base-born commoners of the Value Menus in franchise restaurants and combine them like Voltron to best the chain’s mighty champion.
Why? Because I love you guys. And I fucking hate my toilet.
Jiggle the handle? Motherfucker, JIGGLE THIS!
So, last time, this went badly. I did a double feature on KFC and Taco Bell, and not only were the results close to inedible, I was in such bad shape afterwards that people from northern Japan were sending care packages to my butthole for two weeks. I swore I’d take some time before I did the next installment.
But then my fiance’ went out of town. I was driving to pick up my daughter from jazz band when I heard the raspy voice in my left ear.
“Codpiece, it’s time.”
“Oh, yes. Time for another article. Time to eat.”
“No, man. Seriously, look, the last time we did this, the city had to destroy the sewer lines for blocks south of my house and a para-military unit had to be deployed to hunt the sentient racoons that had been birthed from the incident.”
“Codddddpiece. You’re going to do it. You’ve ignored the King thus far, and have offended him. He demands fealty.”
“C’mon, man. I’ve got my daughter with me.”
“Take her with you. Sweets for the sweet.”
“Yeah, okay. Works for me.”
Then I was at Burger King. My daughter ordered the number seven, the chicken fries meal. She’s got my metabolism and weighs like a buck-o-five, so whatever. I scour the Value Menu and wind up ordering a Double Stacker, a double cheeseburger, and a Spicy Tendercrisp. Total: $4.50 (for my part of the order). The Whopper is the King’s Grand Champ, but I knew I had that whipped. A Double Whopper with cheese is $4.90 though, so that’s the meaty bastard I put in my crosshairs. We got home, and I got down to business.
Houses Stark, Tully, and Baratheon, respectively.
The camera on my phone predates the written word. This looked way better in person.
Unwrap the Double Stacker, flip it over, and remove the bottom bun.
“And when the fiery chicken mounts the cheesy cow, an unholy alliance will form.”
Unwrap the Spicy Tendercrisp, remove bottom bun, and place on top of Double Stacker.
The Triple Sesame Sasquatch!
Unwrap double cheeseburger, discard bottom bun, place on top. Unleash the fury of the Northlands.
View from the north tower.
Have daughter place next to her head to provide sense of scale.
Have your daughter take a picture of you holding the monstrosity, while laughing, so you wind up looking like a viking with Parkinson’s. And yes, I always eat shirtless. DON’T JUDGE ME!
But I can judge this sandwich. It was fanfuckintastic. I wouldn’t recommend eating a Spicy Tendercrisp on it’s own, because Burger King’s chicken has the consistency of sawmill waste, but in between the two towers of cheesy burger love it gave just the right amount of zip. The Special Sauce is there near your taste buds, and then there’s the bacon. Bacon is like the mounted cavalry in your sandwich’s war party.
Let’s see how it does against the flagship:
Double Whopper with cheese:
Two beef patties
Two slices of cheese
Sesame seed bun
Triple Sesame Sasquatch:
Four beef patties
Four slices of cheese
Spicy Tendercrisp patty
Three sesame seed buns
Now, some of you are thinking that you can add bacon to the Double Whopper. You can, but it adds eighty-five cents to the price. So, we have an uncontested winner. For Winterfell!