Halloween Beer Battle Royal

Halloween is my favorite holiday. And, no, before you ask, I don’t go around with black nails and lipstick, referring to myself as Lord Azagthoth, Viscount of the Whorey Abyss. It ain’t about that.

Haloween is a great excuse to act like an ass, and dress any stupid (or slutty—ladies) way you like. It’s the one day a year that I can dress up like a sexy centaur, tearing around drunk, and no one will say a thing about it. Also, if you’re aiming to kill a bunch of college student stereotypes, there is absolutely no better day to do it! I got dibs on the token black kid, because I’ve got some stuff I want to do later, so I kinda gotta jet out early.

 Of course you’re on the track team.

Keeping with the Halloween theme, I’ve got two spoooooooooky beer reviews for you! (I’m sorry. There is absolutely nothing spooky about these beers. I am just an asshole.)

 Clipper City Brewing Company, High Seas, Mutiny Fleet, The Great Pumpkin

Well. Something is obviously wrong when your beer has this many names. This almost sounds like they handed naming responsibilities over to a seven year-old boy with a nautical complex and said ‘make it awesome’. Incidentally, my beer would have been named ‘Colonel Matrix Brewing Company, Rambo Fucking Explosive Arrows, Caged Heat, Imperial Storm Trooper Stout.’

 Uh…Thanks, Google Images?

Clipper City is made in Baltimore, which means that to me, they’re pretty much a local brewery. And while I would like nothing more than to give a boost (however small), to that broke down, fumbling city’s economy, I just can’t. If this is getting a little tl;dr for you, I’ll sum it up in four words:

This beer is shit.

 “What the fuck…?”

Honestly, it’s like somebody took a pumpkin pie spice pack and dropped it in a Molson XXX, then farted in the bottle and handed it to me. I don’t know what I ever did to these people, but it was serious. They hate me so much right now. The foul, obvious alcohol taste is so strong that it seems to attach itself to the very ‘thickness’ of this beer, turning what would’ve otherwise been a ‘full bodied’ experience into feeling like I just drank some pumpkin Jell-o shooters before they had a chance to set.

Avoid it. Avoid it at all costs.

I would normally give a food pairing suggestion here, but seeing as the only people that I can imagine drinking this beer and enjoying it would be the most vile residents of hell, might I suggest sipping whilst gnawing on the wing joint of the angel you’ve just slain?

 “It’s also delicious with the shrieking souls of helpless children.”

Taste: I believe I’ve been over this already.


Drinkablity: Fuck. You.


ABV: 8%, which is not bad, actually.

Cost: $5.50/22oz. And it’s not even worth that.


Hangover Rating: Filling out this field would mean that I drank more than one of these. While I’m not the smartest man in the world, I am no masochist.

Shipyard Brewing Company, Smashed Pumpkin

My mother, who dropped my daughter back by my house yesterday after a visit, said six of the most wonderful words to me: ‘I’ve got a beer for you’. That’s how awesome moms do. This is what she handed me.

I’d like to take a minute here to speak on the old ‘Don’t Judge a Book by it’s Cover’ axiom. Mostly, it’s complete bullshit. You can do that effectively almost all of the time. Yes, you have your exceptions, and that’s why the axiom exists in the first place, but really—fuck that tired old chestnut.

Take a look at these bottles for a second:

Shipyard’s label is classy. Its got gold foil stamping, uses a more subdued color scheme, and a thicker stock. Clipper City’s label looks like it was designed by an out of work cartoonist with a meth habit.

And the same excellence that went into the label speaks to the quality of this beer. It’s how a pumpkin beer should taste. Nice medium body, a little lighter on the cinnamon than on the nutmeg, there’s even some vanilla lurking back there. Drinking this is like swallowing great gulps of autumn and getting drunk in return. For those of you that haven’t been paying attention, that means there is no down side.

And what I just said about getting you drunk? Wow. It will totally do just that. It’s got a 1 % better ABV than Clipper City Nightmare, and it manages it without making me think that I’m drinking out of a Green Man’s toilet.

  “Do NOT go in there.”

Drink this with some glazed ham and yams. And don’t give me none of your flim-flams and jim-jams.

Taste: 9/10 I’m sure there is a way to make this marginally better, but I’m no brewer, and I have no idea what it is.

Drinkability: It’s only slightly thick, like a autumn/winter beer should be. No problem.


ABV: 9%


Cost: Here is where it hurts. $10/22oz.


Hangover Rating: Only drank one, I’m sorry to say.

There you have it. Have a happy Halloween, and if you hear any screams coming from my house, that’s just a party I’m having. Indefinitely. Don’t call anyone. It’s over when it’s over.

One Response to “Halloween Beer Battle Royal”

  1. […] Halloween Beer Battle RoyalHalloween Beer Battle Royal […]

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