Your boy Coddy is no angel. I know that surprises those of you that know me personally. You guys are all like “Oh, no! Not the Codpiece! I’d trust that motherfucker with all my liquor and women!” You guys are idiots, and haven’t been paying close attention. But I still love y’all. LOL (Lots of Love).
Anyway, I robbed a bank in 2002. That shit wasn’t pretty, either. You remember ‘Heat’, the movie with Pachino and Bobby D. about the group of thieves and the cops trying to catch them? There was that big bank robbery near the end with all the car chases and the gunplay? The thieves leaving the bank with impossible to carry amounts of cash hanging off their backs in duffel bags?
Back when Val Kilmer could still hide behind a normal size car.
My robbery was kind of like that, with the exception that there were no guns, no accomplices, no car chases, and no real money to speak of. I’m serious, you see that bag hanging off of De Niro up there? Shit, I left the bank with money, in a brown paper sack, but I’ve seen bigger bag lunches at sweatshop lunch breaks. For the money I took out of the bank, I collected $4.38 for every day in jail I served. And I didn’t even get to keep that shit.
But enough about me and my stupidity. My father once told me that no matter how big or badass you thought you were, there was always someone out there that could beat you senseless. Apparently, that aphorism applies to areas other than pugilism. As far as dumbfuck robbers go, Estefany Danelia Martinez and her crew have got me beat by a country mile. On March 23rd, the International Bank of Commerce in Houston, Texas was taken for $62,201. Now, I’m not going to lie, that’s a damn sight more than I got, but then again, it was an inside job.
Martinez, 19, was the teller. Her boyfriend, Ricky Gonzalez, was in on it, along with two other accomplices.
“Codpiece,” you guys are saying, because you’re loudmouths that can’t help but interrupt my narrative, “That doesn’t sound like such a bad plan. They obviously got caught, because you’re writing about it, but otherwise, it sounds a whole hell of a lot more clever than that bullshit you perpetrated.” Well, you’re very astute, but you don’t know the whole story. Two days before the robbery, Martinez posted this on her wall:
Okay…Well, I mean, that could mean anything, right? No basis for suspicion. Then, a day after the robbery, her boyfriend posted this:
“Wipe my teeth with hundereds (sic).” and, “U HAVE TO PAST THE LINE SOMETIMES!! TO GET DIS MONEY!!”
Um…So she’s not in Mensa, and her beau is obviously one step away from being fitted for a helmet and a harness. At this point, you would think that Martinez, who was an employee of the bank and therefore automatically under suspicion after a heretofore unsolved robbery, would distance herself from this idiot and plan some kind of exit strategy.
Nope! She replied:
“I’M RICH BITCH!” (sic)
Obviously, commas are not needed when making years-old Dave Chappelle references.
Needless to say, the FBI, who were monitoring all of the bank’s employee’s social networking pages, caught this. Ramen noodles and caviar dreams.