Crayola Columbine

Jack Dorman is six years old. Jack’s Father is stationed in Iraq. Jack, and his brother, are being raised by his mother Syndi. Things are not optimal. The stress of not having his father around has weighed on everybody in the family. Jack likes to play video games. Jack likes to draw. And that got him in a whole lot of trouble.

Most video games these days are violent. Sure, there are some that don’t have any violence at all, like Dora’s Adventures Through Oxycodone Stare Land,and Kermit Teaches You Math With A Grown Man’s Fist In His Ass, but ultimately, all video games have at least some level of cartoon, slapstick, or unseen but implied violence in them. Of course, then you’ve got the graphic titles, The Call of Duties, Prototype, GTA series, ect. And I don’t know which titles six year old Jack was allowed to play. parents differ, and I don’t know if his brother is older or younger, so I have no real way of saying if the games were inappropriate or not. Who knows?

And let's not forget about the hugely popular "Get in the van!" series of hand held games

Also, it’s quite hard to insulate your child from all the evils in the world. By the time I was six, I had probably heard the word ‘fuck’ more times than Andrew Dice Clay’s bathroom mirror.

Fuck! Look at me! Fuck! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Point is, Jack got bored in class on day and decided to draw a picture. The picture has been described as violent, but, since I can’t seem to find it anywhere on the interwebs, so I guess we’ll take their word for it. Who’s word, you ask? Well, the Taper Ave. Elementary School, San Pedro, Los Angeles. The picture was also captioned. The caption read- “I want to die.”

And now it’s pop quiz time!

Okey doke! Let’s say you’re a teacher at an elementary school. You note that a six year-old boy has drawn a ‘violent picture’, and captioned it as above. You:

A: Inform the child that the drawing is not appropriate for school, and then talk to him after class about the possible motivations behind said pic.

B: Ask the child to explain the drawing, then draw your own conclusion towards motivations and whether or not the incident needs to be reported to the child’s parent.

C: Take the drawing and give it to the parent , either with a note, or in person, to express any concerns you might have.

D: Assume that this six year old boy has just threatened to commit suicide, and immediately try to have him committed to a psyche ward, without parental consent.

Okay! Let’s see how you did! If you answer A, B, or C, congratulations! You are an actual, thinking human being! However, if you answered D, you are most likely:

A: An unbalanced idiot with no common sense.

B: A bureaucrat taught to follow the absolute letter of the code, with no regard for its actual intent.

C: An employee of the LAUSD. (Protip: ‘C’ guarantee’s that A & B are also correct.)

Yes.

That.

That is what they did. Ramon Cortines, acting on behalf of the LAUSD, called and emergency mental health number and had the boy placed on a 72 hour hold, against his mother’s wishes.

Teachers, leave that kid...oh, what? Never mind.

Holy shit? They can do that?

They can do that.

I do not know Jack. Perhaps Jack is a madman. I could be that Jack was just biding his time until he got home, until the time when he could pierce his neck with the cold, welcoming steel and invite death in like an old friend. Perhaps Jack is seriously disturbed, and is a genuine danger to others. He could be the source of all darkness in Los Angeles County, feeding on the fear and souls of a thousand…Oh, no. Wait, my bad. He’s six. All that shit I just said is ridiculous.

And their souls shall pop in my jaws like grapes!

I’m not saying that the pic should have been ignored out of hand. And I’m certainly not implying that they’re aren’t kids who genuinely need help. But, for reals? He’s six! Do you know what I was doing when I was six? I was playing with my GI Joes. And Snakeyes couldn’t wait to rape a motherfucker’s face with a katana. Someone probably should have called somebody.

And who gave the LAUSD the power to do that, anyway? That shit is insane. And you know what’s neat? That hold is going to follow him around ’til he’s eighteen! Awesome. I’ll bet Jack is going to think it’s cool when he’s dumped in with kids who really have problems and is subsequently ostracized by his peers. That probably won’t make him feel like an awkward outsider or anything.

And hell, even if it does,

We all

Know how well

That works out.

Congrats LAUSD, You win The Meat Suit!

Go chase tigers.


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