Archive for February, 2011

Rip, In Your Hose

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on February 17, 2011 by Colin Walker

A lot of us wish we had more time on our hands. Sometimes, it seems as if the tedium of the everyday world uses up all the good minutes in the day, leaving you hanging on the ragged end wondering, what happened?

But, if you had more time, would you use it wisely? I know that question is entirely subjective. My hobby could be your complete and utter waste of time. But can we get together and agree, as responsible adults, that if we did have more time on our hands, we wouldn’t spend it making up to 400 phone calls a day, in an effort to get working women to chat dirty talk to us about pantyhose?

Oooooooooookay.

We can? Stellar.

You know who can ride with us on this express train out of Weird Sexual Harassment Town? Rip Alan Swartz, of Upper Allen, PA, that’s who.

That's your...Ah, hell, you already know.

Sexual kinks and preferences are varied. You could like feet. I do not. Frankly, I think it’s strange that you like feet, what with their proclivity to sweat, and their bulbous, freaky midget knuckles. You might think it’s odd that I can only achieve orgasm after watching the Leif Garret Behind The Music documentary and smelling a bag of hammers. To each his own, is what I’m saying here.

Hot.

But I really just don’t get this. Not for the fetishism relating to the actual garment, but the antique approach to satisfaction. You called women at work, on the phone, and asked them if they were wearing pantyhose? What is wrong with you? There is an invention called the computer. It’s a magic box the is literally filled with magic and pictures. All kinds of pictures. Even ones that move. Even ones of pantyhose.

I’m going to go ahead and assume that you already knew all that, though. Which brings me to the next question: What excites you about calling women on the phone and making them feel slightly uncomfortable? It’s kind of nutty, is all. I could understand more if you were trying to be offensive, or shocking, or even downright threatening. That would be you exercising your primal aggression. You’d still be wrong, and doing it badly, but I would at least get the point. Right now you seem like a trollish little man who gets excited by a furrowed brow and an eyebrow raise.

The judge says that you’re also not allowed to set foot on the property of Hooters, Applebee’s, Bob Evans, or the First National Bank of Marysville. What did you do there? Also, were you not aware that you can actually walk into Hooters and harass those women in person? You are kind of out there, Rip. You should call me, so we can jaw this over. And yes I am.

Queen size.

Kasteel Rouge Ale

Posted in Spirit Guide with tags , , , , , , , on February 17, 2011 by Colin Walker

Spirit Guide

KASTEEL ROUGE ALE OWNS YOUR FUCKING FACE.

Okay. now that we’ve gotten that out-of-the-way, welcome to Spirit Guide. I’m sure some of you readers are blowing air out of your tight-lipped mouths like a bunch of truculent little girls, saying to yourselves, (or to your cat, Professor Mugglesworth, who is frankly sick to fucking death of hearing you speak) “Coddy is such a fucking poseur. He plays like he knows about beer, but there has only been like, four entries in this category, and this site has been around more that a year.

I want to ask you, do you know that you sound like a stupid, valley surfer dude in my head? Why do you sound like that in there? Do you really sound like that? Call me up, we’ll talk about pantyhose. To address your concern, I drink new beers all the time. I could, without exaggerating, post a new Spirit Guide article ever day for the next six months, with no problem, just dealing with backlog beers. So, let me ask you, have you ever considered that a lot of time, I’m just too fucking drunk to write it? Ha! Bet you hadn’t thought of that! I have a life crippling disease!

Jokes on you.

Anyway, onto the subject at hand, a delicious Belgian Bitch named Kasteel Rouge. Now, a man don’t freely admit this shit in public forums easily, but I’m in love, people. What the people at Castle Brewery in Von Housenbrouck, (running side-note, I just renamed my junk Baron Von Housenbrouk, and drew a little mustache under the ridge. just sayin’) Belgium did was take some of their traditional brown ale, and let some cherrys get all up in its guts for six months. The result is a fruit beer that actually tastes like a fruit beer should.

Some readers might now be thinking of Lindmans Kriek Lambic, and to you I say, WERE YOU NOT FUCKING PAYING ATTENTION? I thought I had made it clear, Kasteel. Mothetherfucking. Rouge. Lindmans not only costs more, it also has half the alcohol content and doesn’t taste as good. So, you can buy that shit if you want, but you’re basically paying for late nineties Puffy, when you could have had Bigge Smalls. I suppose it could be worse, you could have ended up with Ma$e.

The Ke$ha of rap.

Pairing with food? This beer would go down excellent with anything BBQ. Your mouth with thank me for that tonight. Your butthole will take out a contract on my life the next day.

This shit is the shit. When shit takes a shit, that shit is this shit, while simultaneously being the other shit, somewhere else.

Taste: Like slightly tart cherries. But you can still tell you’re drinking beer.

Drinkability: High. Goes down easy.

alcohol Content: 8% Shit’ll get you drunk!

Cost: Here’s where it hurts. $10 for 1 PT, 6oz.

Hangover Rating: surprisingly low. Nothing to report.

Overall Effect: FUCK YEAH!

Crayola Columbine

Posted in The Meat Suit Awards with tags , , , , , , , , , , on February 16, 2011 by Colin Walker

Jack Dorman is six years old. Jack’s Father is stationed in Iraq. Jack, and his brother, are being raised by his mother Syndi. Things are not optimal. The stress of not having his father around has weighed on everybody in the family. Jack likes to play video games. Jack likes to draw. And that got him in a whole lot of trouble.

Most video games these days are violent. Sure, there are some that don’t have any violence at all, like Dora’s Adventures Through Oxycodone Stare Land,and Kermit Teaches You Math With A Grown Man’s Fist In His Ass, but ultimately, all video games have at least some level of cartoon, slapstick, or unseen but implied violence in them. Of course, then you’ve got the graphic titles, The Call of Duties, Prototype, GTA series, ect. And I don’t know which titles six year old Jack was allowed to play. parents differ, and I don’t know if his brother is older or younger, so I have no real way of saying if the games were inappropriate or not. Who knows?

And let's not forget about the hugely popular "Get in the van!" series of hand held games

Also, it’s quite hard to insulate your child from all the evils in the world. By the time I was six, I had probably heard the word ‘fuck’ more times than Andrew Dice Clay’s bathroom mirror.

Fuck! Look at me! Fuck! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Point is, Jack got bored in class on day and decided to draw a picture. The picture has been described as violent, but, since I can’t seem to find it anywhere on the interwebs, so I guess we’ll take their word for it. Who’s word, you ask? Well, the Taper Ave. Elementary School, San Pedro, Los Angeles. The picture was also captioned. The caption read- “I want to die.”

And now it’s pop quiz time!

Okey doke! Let’s say you’re a teacher at an elementary school. You note that a six year-old boy has drawn a ‘violent picture’, and captioned it as above. You:

A: Inform the child that the drawing is not appropriate for school, and then talk to him after class about the possible motivations behind said pic.

B: Ask the child to explain the drawing, then draw your own conclusion towards motivations and whether or not the incident needs to be reported to the child’s parent.

C: Take the drawing and give it to the parent , either with a note, or in person, to express any concerns you might have.

D: Assume that this six year old boy has just threatened to commit suicide, and immediately try to have him committed to a psyche ward, without parental consent.

Okay! Let’s see how you did! If you answer A, B, or C, congratulations! You are an actual, thinking human being! However, if you answered D, you are most likely:

A: An unbalanced idiot with no common sense.

B: A bureaucrat taught to follow the absolute letter of the code, with no regard for its actual intent.

C: An employee of the LAUSD. (Protip: ‘C’ guarantee’s that A & B are also correct.)

Yes.

That.

That is what they did. Ramon Cortines, acting on behalf of the LAUSD, called and emergency mental health number and had the boy placed on a 72 hour hold, against his mother’s wishes.

Teachers, leave that kid...oh, what? Never mind.

Holy shit? They can do that?

They can do that.

I do not know Jack. Perhaps Jack is a madman. I could be that Jack was just biding his time until he got home, until the time when he could pierce his neck with the cold, welcoming steel and invite death in like an old friend. Perhaps Jack is seriously disturbed, and is a genuine danger to others. He could be the source of all darkness in Los Angeles County, feeding on the fear and souls of a thousand…Oh, no. Wait, my bad. He’s six. All that shit I just said is ridiculous.

And their souls shall pop in my jaws like grapes!

I’m not saying that the pic should have been ignored out of hand. And I’m certainly not implying that they’re aren’t kids who genuinely need help. But, for reals? He’s six! Do you know what I was doing when I was six? I was playing with my GI Joes. And Snakeyes couldn’t wait to rape a motherfucker’s face with a katana. Someone probably should have called somebody.

And who gave the LAUSD the power to do that, anyway? That shit is insane. And you know what’s neat? That hold is going to follow him around ’til he’s eighteen! Awesome. I’ll bet Jack is going to think it’s cool when he’s dumped in with kids who really have problems and is subsequently ostracized by his peers. That probably won’t make him feel like an awkward outsider or anything.

And hell, even if it does,

We all

Know how well

That works out.

Congrats LAUSD, You win The Meat Suit!

Go chase tigers.


Rolling Back Gunmen–Unemployment, Everyday

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on February 16, 2011 by Colin Walker

Sometimes heroism goes unrewarded. Such is life. We have been taught that modesty is a trait of heroes, so if a tree almost falls on an unattended baby in the woods, only to be stopped by a hero that no ones sees, who gave me the right to mix metaphors this badly?

But sometimes heroism is downright punished. Where, you ask? Who could be so foolish as to look courage and good intent in the eye and strike it down outside of a comic book villain convention or a Nazi shower scene?

Fucking Wal-Mart. That’s who.

You're out of a job!

Layton, UT.

Loss prevention employees Lori Poulsoen, Justin Richens, Shawn Ray, and Gabriel Stewart observed a man (later to be identified as Trent Longton) sneaking a netbook out of its box and under his shirt. The group intercepted Longton as he made his way to the front of the store. They led him into an office where they attempted to recover the merchandise and get information on the shoplifter.

That’s when Longton pulled a gun. He pushed the gun into Stewart’s back. This was not the best play for him. The other three employees wrestled the gun away from him. No one was injured, and Longton (who, it turns out is a convicted felon) was taken into custody. The responding officer said that the employees acted in “The best interest of safety”. Surely, Wal-mart agrees.

Nope. They fucking fired them.

You fucking what?

Wal-mart has a policy. It’s called “The Investigation And Detention Of Shoplifters” policy. The policy states that is the shoplifter brandishes a weapon, the employees are to retreat, and wait for the authorities. I can see how that makes sense. If you’ve got a guy waving a gun around in a crowded store, the last thing you need is Douchebag Danny from Home and Garden Supplies playing hero and getting a lot of customers shot.

But that’s not what happened here. They had this guy cornered in an office. They were all employees. Longton grabbed Stewart because Stewart was blocking the door. Longton was trying to get out.

Into the store.

Where the customers were.

So, they apprehended the guy, stopped him from shooting their coworker and any customers, and even got the merchandise back, and all four of them get fired. Even the one who got the gun put to his back, a 12-year employee, fired.

Ah, maybe it’s for the best. They might be able to find work doing something a little more suited to them. They kinda sound like some hardasses.

I do not own Photoshop.

Kill In Your World, Play In Ours

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on February 16, 2011 by Colin Walker

Speaking of video games and violence, here’s a possible correlation.

When Kendall Anderson, of Philadelphia, got in trouble at school, his mother Rashida, decided to take away his Playstation 3. Makes sense, right? Acceptable punishment? Not according to Kendall. He decided that taking away the PS3 was a bit much, really, so he went upstairs and hit his mother 20 times with a claw hammer. Kendall wasn’t done showing his mother what overreaction was all about yet, though. He dragged her downstairs and attempted to cremate her in the oven. Well, that didn’t go the way he wanted, either, so he pulled her outside into the ally, where he beat her caveman style with a table leg.

Man, parents just don't understand

She survived.

I’m just fucking with you. Didn’t you read what I wrote above? Of course she died. Kendall killed his mom because she took away his PS3. Good job, Kendall!

The good news is, Kendall apparently really likes games. Where he is going, there are lots of games.

Grand Theft Anus: I-IV

What Happened To All My Clothes? (A Kendall Anderson mystery)

Cornbread(hole) Capers!

Kendall Anderson, Up Your Arsenal

Kendall and Double Ray At The Olympics Of Soap

Sub-par Haircut? Prenatal Shanking

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on February 16, 2011 by Colin Walker

Everybody likes to think they are good at their job. Unless you are a disgruntled employee, or an apathetic sponge, you take a certain amount of pride in your work. I would never come down to where you work, and tell you that you are giving less than adequate blowjobs. Not just because your blowjobs are not only better than adequate, but extraordinary, either, but because insulting someone’s work performance is one of the most degrading things you can say. We all have to put food on the table, or meth in the pipe somehow. That Dale Earnhart commemorative plate isn’t going to get itself out of hack, you know.

The. Fucking. Legend.

The only people that really don’t share this sense of pride are bureaucrats, and they get their pride another way; by making it as hard as humanly possible for you to accomplish what you want without physically breaking your legs.

“I understand that you want to fill out a form 221TB. But what you don’t realize is, before you do that, you must fill out a ‘request to file a form’ article. Where would you get that? Oh. From the Forms Master. Who is the Forms Master? I. Am. Call me the Forms Master, and maybe…”

So, insulting someone’s work isn’t cool. Glad we’re all on the same page here. Now while we’re on that page, let’s take a minute to think about the fact that Jovetta Wilson, a hairdresser in the employ of Eve’s Beauty Salon, in New London, CT., stabbed a pregnant customer after she complained about her haircut.

Makes sense, right? I mean, shit. How dare she, right? I doubt the pregnant ‘victim’ here was a professional hairdresser, so what gives her the right to judge the work of a professional? And as far as the whole ‘It’s wrong to stab anybody, much less a pregnant woman good-god-what-are-you-doing-they-have-a-whole-separate-charge-for-that.” nonsense, I say to hell with it. I mean, you go girl! Shit, her neck ain’t pregnant! Am I right?

(I am not ‘right’, Jovetta. I’m fucking with ya! Go to jail, you crazy bitch!)

This Valentine’s Day, You Should Have Been Paying More Attention To Your Boyfriend

Posted in Dating and Ronance, People Who Should Not Be Having Sex with tags , , , , on February 14, 2011 by Colin Walker

I totally understand that you’re busy. These days, who isn’t? Well, except for the Egyptians. They’re not busy. From looking at the photo below, you would think that all these people have to do all day is stand around.

Lazy.

That right there is either A Justin Bieber concert or a gathering of Middle Eastern people specifically designed to provide nightmare fodder for Tea Party members. IT’S CALLED WORK, PEOPLE! Jesus.

But back to what I was saying, I know you have a lot going on. What with your job, and your Red Hat Society meetings and your Call Of Duty: Chewbacca’s Revenge and all. It’s cool. We all have a ton of stuff going on. I barely have time to update my Twitter feed trying to keep up with all these mysterious hippo deaths. What’s that? You haven’t heard about the Mysterious hippo deaths?  That’s because they haven’t checked my backyard yet.

White man's burden.

But seriously, it’s Valentine’s day, for god’s sake. You really should peel yourself away from those Glen Beck podcasts and spend a little time with your boyfriend, the man to whom you have committed your heart. You know how he acts when you ignore him.

So.

Yeah.

Your boyfriend is an interesting guy, I’ll give him that. Maybe I should give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that it was the animatronic characters that got him all sex’d up, and not the children.

I mean, shit...I'd hit that.

Aw, who am I kidding? Your boyfriend is a total fucking skeezbucket. Props to the manager who chased him across two parking lots and a six-lane highway to catch him. Your boyfriend’s love is one that burns too brightly. For kids.