First off, allow me to welcome you to a new feature. In Culinary Cataclysm, we will be investigating and innovating high-caloric ways to kill you in the most tasty ways imaginable. This is not a health food segment. By now, you should know that I have nothing but contempt for you people. But, we’re kind of stuck with each other, aren’t we? Do you remember how your mother drove your dad to drink all the time? This is like that, but with more bacon. Go forth, but realize that I am trying to murder you. As long as you understand that I have tried all of these things first.
THE McGANGBANG SUPREME
The McGangbang is the sandwich of blue-collar legend. I thought I was a clever bastard when I combined the McDouble and the McChicken, but I was wrong. Just like every other cool thing that I thought I did first, (Carolyn, I’m looking in your direction) hordes of people have beat me to it. It’s all over the web, pictures, descriptions, even breakfast variations. But, I think that I have come upon the ultimate combination. I call her The Supreme, and she is one sexy motherfucker.
What you will need is as follows:
One packet of Sweet and Sour Sauce
A death wish
Here are your instructions. Unwrap all three sandwiches. Remove all ‘bottom’ bun slices. Apply sweet and sour sauce to chicken patty. Take one McDouble, place it beef-side down on top of the sauce. Stack this on to remaining McDouble. Stare into the abyss of madness.
What you should have is a monstrosity that you can barely bite. A freakish tower of meat, cheese, and bread that is a testament to bad ideas and a reflection of the true ‘Merican spirit.
This sandwich is so badass that it stole your novelty wallet. It’s so pimp that its platform shoes have other, smaller, platform shoes to support them. It’s so righteous that the Jews eat it on Yom Kippur and are automatically forgiven.
And value? Good lord. You get more bang for your buck here than you would at any Taiwanese brothel. Sam Walton saw the price on this thing and started to weep inconsolably. The fact that you can get this much heart-stopping flavor for so little is proof that Ray Kroc was the Antichrist.
This sandwich is so artery-blockingly awesome that I’m going to put it straight up against McDonald’s flagship burger and then some. Once again it’s on.
THE McGANGBANG SUPREME VS. THE BIG MAC
The Big Mac is McDonald’s golden boy. It’s been around since 1967 and isn’t going anywhere anytime soon. It’s so ubiquitous that it has its own trading index. This shit is an American staple.
But pictures paint a thousand words, right? “Pictures paint a thousand words.”–your Lithium-laced sixth grade art teacher. So, to the photos. These are actual pictures of the product, with no primping or preening.
And now, the McGangbang Supreme:
In my opinion, it really doesn’t take a whole lot more than that to prove my point. But, of course, there are some sacrifices. You don’t get the colon-polyp inducing sesame seed bun with the McGangbang. You also don’t get the ‘special sauce’. There is no practical solution to the first problem, but as to the second?
Those are free at any grocery store with a salad bar.
But here’s the real kick in the the Mac’s proverbial crotch: the McGangbang is only three dollars. Where I live, the Big Mac goes for $3.69.
Holy shit. That doesn’t even make any damn sense. But the dollar menu has always been a little hokey. I remember back when a twenty piece Chicken Nugget box was $5.29, but you could order a four piece off the dollar menu.
But wait, there’s more. For a true battle-royale type competition, I got the data from all of McDonald’s heavy-hitters, put them all in the octagon of doom, and saw who came out picking the dead out of their teeth. ‘Winners’ are in red. Click to enlarge.
What a fucking bloodbath. There hasn’t been a beating that bad since your stepdad caught you going through his ‘personal things’. What does a grown man do with all those bloomer drawers with the hole in the front, anyway?
Now, some of you are going to say, ‘Coddy, those things are clearly not all ‘good’ things! Look at the fat, the sodium, the calories. you can’t be serious!’ To you I say, where the fuck do you think you’re eating? If you’re even considering eating any of these sandwiches, you’re basically challenging your arteries to a death race–and your opposition started off the line with four flats.
So, the next time you’re there, go hard. I’ll see you in the hereafter.