Archive for July, 2010

Posted in Spirit Guide with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 22, 2010 by Colin Walker

Now, admittedly, the title of this post is relatively crass, but at The Playground, we believe that the first response is usually the correct response. That is why I am no longer allowed in the state of Ohio. And you’ll all forgive me, I’m sure, but when I saw this:

PETA and MADD got together and invented a nightmare.  “Where is the kick!?”

I “’bout lost my shit”, as my grandma puts it.

Now, this is the interwebs, and Photoshop is a very real thing. When you see this, you could easily be all, “Coddy, broham, that’s just some surrealist photo shoop-de-whoop.” Let me just stop you right there and ask you why we are friends, with you talking like that? Also, you’re fucking wrong!

Wrong!

That, is BrewDog’s Roadkill Beer. It is a real thing, from Scotland. And if you think that’s fucked up, let me show you this:

Hooooooooooo! Holy shit! You can get the damn things in Scottish regalia or dressed as butlers! And they are real taxidermied animals! What the hell is wrong with these people? I fucking love them!

Now, a lot of you are going to be butthurt. I know that. Some of you will squeal in absolute horror that those are real animals. You will cry in all manner about how that is wrong, and morally reprehensible. But, allow me to put your mind at ease. Yes, those are real, cuddly little squirrels. (You can also get them in  stoat or rabbit.) But, that hollowed-out husk of what would have otherwise been a cute living thing is wrapped around a bottle of End Of The World, BrewDog’s strongest offering. It’s 55% ABV, which, if you’re keeping track at home, means that this beer is stronger than vodka. There! I’ll bet you feel better now, don’t you?

Quit your fucking crying. You want something to cry about? MOMMY IS NEVER COMING BACK!

Anyhow, I suppose it goes without saying that I have to have this. You guys knew that from the get-go. And here is how you can finally give back to the site and its online community! This shit is $760! I need help buying it! I mean, yeah, I have $760, but I don’t have $760 for fucking beer. If you all get together and help, though, we can get this done and I will feature this beer in the Spirit Guide. Fuck yes! Who’s with me!?

You guys?

Hollywood Is Fucked.

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on July 15, 2010 by Colin Walker

Y’all don’t know shit about Elliott Lester. But you will.

Micheal Bay sucks ass.

What’s The world Coming To When America’s Children Can’t Even Score Legitimate Drugs Anymore?

Posted in Music with tags , , , , , , , , on July 15, 2010 by Colin Walker

When I came home today, my fiancée asked me if I knew what idosing was. I had never heard about it. She said that, apparently, kids are using the frequencies to get ‘high’. The tracks are digital files you can download, or watch on Youtube, that kids swear create feelings of euphoria akin to drug use.

As usual, kids are fucking stupid.

What they are talking about is binaural beats, where two sounds of slightly different frequencies are played, in opposing ears. This creates a ‘beat’ not only audible to the listener, but a stimuli that effects the listeners actual brainwaves. Sounds Dope-Boy Fresh, doesn’t it? Yeah, until you realize that this has been around since Heinrich  Willhelm Dove discovered it in eighteen-thirty-fucking-nine.

Rock that shit, my ninja.

Here’s a news flash for the kids reading this. First off, why are you reading this? You should not be here if you are under eighteen, I curse, talk about the pooh-nan and beer, and am sometimes absurdly and unapologetically racist. Get the fuck out, now. Two, If you think that something that can actually get you high has been sitting around, pretty much unused, for one hundred and seventy goddamn years, you are a moron. But, we have established that. Let me put it to you hip young kids like this, where was the ‘lull’ period for cannabis? Cocaine? Heroin?

There wasn’t one. Since those drugs were discovered, people have been using them. Sure, usage has increased due to availability and better trade over the last century, but we’re not talking about something that only grows close to the equator, or a plant that has to be coddled for five months in an indoor greenhouse be a hippy named Jesus, we are talking about sound. Sound, kids, has been around for a while. (history)

Just fucking with ya, this event was completely silent.

Binaural beats have been proven to help with concentration, or relaxation, but nothing has ever been achieved that was anywhere close to intoxication. Everybody remembers that girl in junior high that would be over at a sleepover or birthday party and claim that she was ‘high off soda’. That was bullshit then, and guess what? You’re that girl now.

This Mountain Dew has got me FUCKED up.


Here’s a clip, in case there are any doubters. The instructions are to put on head phones, relax and enjoy. Try it out, if you’re a masochist.

Well, wasn’t that fucking horrible. Kids, when you take drugs, drugs FUCK YOU UP. That’s kind of what they’re for. I used to smoke so much weed I couldn’t remember where my dick was. I took so much ecstasy, that everybody was covered in rainbows, and every touch was an orgasm (That got fucking old quick, let me tell you). I’ve taken so much acid that I woke up in a room seemingly filled with giant spiders, I was naked, and my unhappy-to-be-awake-at-4 am father was standing in the doorway to my bedroom, swinging a stick at me every time I tried to leave. That is high. This shit, this shit is a shared headache.

Parents are worried that idosing will lead to stronger drugs. Parents, let me be clear here, if your kids are willing to listen to this shit to get ‘high’, they are upstairs, in your bathroom, right now, trying to drink your nail polish remover and eating your tampons, because they looked at the warning on the box and Toxoplasmosis sounded ‘epic’. Get them some fucking help, would you?

Puffy Is Confus.

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on July 15, 2010 by Colin Walker

What the..

Man hasn’t seen a single in years.

Obligatory Breasts.

Posted in Jesus with tags , , , , , , , , , , on July 15, 2010 by Colin Walker

Below is Sheyla Hershey. At 38KKK, she now holds the record for the biggest breasts in the world. I pretty much have to post this here. Man law.

In the event of a water landing...

But here’s the thing, they are killing her! Yessirreee. Those puppies are deadly, causing loss of breath and staph infections. But, don’ feel bad. This dumbass did this to herself. Those wreaking balls be fake, son! Shhheeeeeeeet.

Personally, I wouldn’t want those anywhere near me. Freakishly huge killer tits. Sounds like a punk band.

Seriously, What The Fuck Is Wrong With You People?

Posted in Jesus, People Who Should Not Be Having Sex with tags , , , , , , , , , on July 15, 2010 by Colin Walker

Look, we all know that the internet is a wonderful thing. It is a large, open-air buffet of artistic expression and ideas. Think of how you spend your time today, vs. the way you spent that time twelve or fifteen years ago. If your reading this post, there’s a good chance you spend a lot of time on the internet. (Because, fuck, if you’re here, you must be bored as shit, and you really need to find a better way to spend you time. I’m calling your mother.)

But as great as the internet is, with it’s endless feeds of things to read and look at, the internet can be dangerous, too. Like meeting a nice girl, and taking her home to find that her lady parts are filled with whirring razors and the disembodied souls of Vietnamese street buskers, the internet can tempt you, then turn on you in an instant.  There are pictures and video on the internet capable of causing damage that only full frontal lobotomies and the sweet embrace of death can erase.

I currently offer a course on internet safety, which can help you to navigate around these disturbing pits of agony. Simply send me $25.99 and I will send you the lessons, be sure to specify Beta-Max or 5″ floppy. You can look at the picture below and still keep your sanity, I promise you that. Coddy wouldn’t run you into a wall like that. Not unless that shit was really, really funny.  No, this image is not as scarring, as it is perplexing. Like, what the fuck?

Pictured: Nightmare fodder.

Ooooookay.

Um, there’s more that a few things wrong with this. First off, we have to start with the fact that this is a modified product. Disney is a pretty progressive, oft-times perverted company, but even I have a problem believing that they would license this thing. So, this was bought, (note the legit tag) then modified by someone.

That’s…good? I mean, it’s good in the sense that there aren’t a million of these things floating around behind older brother’s bedroom doors, waiting for the moment when in the act of Coitus Cervidae, younger sister opens said door only to have all that makes sense in the world be obliterated in one embarrassing instant. But, then again, somebody made this thing, and what the fuck is wrong with that guy?

Okay, this isn’t that ‘Furry’ shit, because with that, at least there is a person in the costume. But this isn’t bestiality, either, because that’s not a real animal, but it does represent one, so…What? But homosexuality? Yes? Because Bambi was actually a boy? But now he has a vagina? Does that make him a trans-sexual, or is that cancelled out by the fact that he’s an animal? Is that cancelled out by the fact that it’s stuffed, and was never alive in the first place? Is that a silk lined vagina, because if it is…This is too confusing, even for me. I gotta go.