If You Abuse Pork Chops, You Could Lose Everything

Kids, your uncle Coddy is here today to warn you against the perils of performance enhancing drugs. Now, now, I know what you’re going to say, ‘Cod, you said that this was a safe place where we could come and, you know…just be us. You said you wouldn’t get preachy.’ Okay, well you’re a fucking liar, because I never said that. And you’re most likely going to burn in a unimaginable hell full of Amway salesmen and Ke$ha remixes because of it. Damn and blast your eyes. But, I care about you. And I know that most of you reading this have high hopes for yourselves. I did an impromptu poll of this sites readers and found that those of you who are not planning on making a career in the porn industry or deep-sea welding have plans to become professional athletes. That’s great! Aim for the stars! My grandfather Lloyd used to aim for the stars all the time! It’s why he was shot dead in Korea.

But sometimes just wanting something very much and making a deal with a possessed doll-head isn’t enough. You’ve got to remember to ‘watch your six’. My grampa Lloyd never watched his six. That’s why he was stabbed by an angry pimp in a Korean brothel.

There all all kinds of little tricks and traps out there, sometimes masquerading as something benign. Take pork chops, for instance. Tong Wen, China’s Olympic judo champion, was recently stripped of her medal and banned from competing for two years. And do you know why? Fucking pork chops.

“Judy chop this, you fucking commie!”

That’s right. Pork chops can contain a chemical called Clenbuterol. And Clenbuterol is a performance enhancing drug:( Farmers will use Clenbuterol to try and keep the pigs from getting too fat, but it’s not water-solutable, and it can hang out in the muscles, just waiting for the next curling champion–I’m talking to you, Troy, to take a big ol’ bite. Tong’s trainer said that the champ had been scarfing down pork chops like Islam was about to be implemented before the test, and that’s why the results came back positive.

“I ate dis mrany!”

(Racist.)

Think it’s bullshit? So do I!

“That’s bullshit.”–Grandpa Lloyd, right before he was raped by werewolves in Korea.

But it happens all the time. Dennis Mitchell, a track and field star, was banned from the IAAF after testing positive for unusually high levels of testosterone. Instead of just copping to steroids like a normal, sane person, Dennis said that the peaked levels of boy-juice came from having sex four times a night and drinking beers. And also that he was a man’s man that could piss barbed wire and simultaneously bring a woman to orgasm in another state.

“Everyone, calm down. There’s enough cock for everybody.”

Floyd Landis was stripped of his Tour De France medal in 2006 for high testosterone, which he blamed on drinking whiskey the night before. But, after hearing Dennis’s  excuse, the judges were underwhelmed. “Couldn’t you have said you were gangbanging a bunch of nuns into a frenzy?” Said one. “Why didn’t you tell us you had just eaten a gorilla?” Asked antoher. “Why am I even here? According to the narrative of this article, I’ve been dead for sixty years.” Said Grandpa Lloyd.

But even if he had said these things, it wouldn’t have worked. Associations like those have a zero tolerance policy, leaving Floyd to weep sadly in the legendary shadow of Lance Armstrong’s pendulous uni-ball.

Blame it on the al-al-al-al-al-al-cohol

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