Archive for May, 2010

It Is Fucking After You.

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on May 14, 2010 by Colin Walker

AND YOU SHOULD RUN.

That’s What They’re There For.

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on May 14, 2010 by Colin Walker

This man, this DJ, has captured my heart. I am also a nihilistic asshole who drinks too much, and if my job required me to be upbeat and entertaining like this guy’s does, I would be drunk and mailing it in all over the place just like him. But, waat he does next takes a fair amount of balls, and he does it with such a casual, flowing grace, that I can not help but stand in awe of him.

That’s right, the titty drums. Godspeed, good DJ, today you have made The Wasteland a brighter place.

ipad, Gold Plated, Diamond Encrusted, ipad. Again. You Bastards.

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on May 14, 2010 by Colin Walker

Some of you, who have been here for a while, might remember this. That was truly horrible. And I don’t mean to turn this site into Planet ipad, but the tag in that cloud to the right seems to be getting bigger and bigger. Sorry for that.

At first I didn’t like the ipad. At all. I honestly didn’t see the point. You can buy a laptop for less that positively blows that thing away. It has no cameras, no Flash support, and is ultimately, in it’s first incarnation at least, a status tool for hipster elitist douchebags. I was at the Palisades mall on April 4th, the day after this thing came out, Easter Sunday, and sure enough, there goes this guy walking past me and my grandmother, just holding the damn thing. He even had a nifty little case for it. And, in case I have not made this clear, he was just holding the damn thing. Walking slowly, and holding it. Showing it off in the mall, just begging for someone to come up and ask him, hey, is that the new ipad? To which he would reply, fuuuuuddddaaaaa…Animal Collective…Irony…My Cock. Because we all know that is how hipster douchebags talk.

But, I can see how this piece of tech is going to usher in the future of computing. The interface is super-smooth, it’s portability smacks laptops in the face and calls them gutterbitches, and it does do all the social networking bullshit that most of the people who use the internet are online for in the first place. Also, in the last few years, Apple has proven that it knows what people want. So, okay, maybe the ipad isn’t so bad. I might even pick on up in it’s second or third gen, if Apple gets some sense, allows flash, increases the storage, and puts some cameras on that bitch.

But, this ipad, is not okay. Created by Stuart Hughes, this iPad is currently the world’s most expensive, with a starting price of $192,042. That’s almost $200,000 for a gadget that will obsolete in two years. It’s not even like spending that kind of money on a Ferrari, which is an exclusive piece of equipment. Even if you wrap the damn thing around a tree, you were using it like it was supposed to be used, and you were one of a comparatively small number of people to have one. Here, you’re paying 200k for a case. You fucking douchebag. Walking around with this thing is the equivalent of  going down to the gulf coast and hunting endangered birds, or going to Nashville and pissing on people’s heads. You are basically saying, I am so rich, that I can spend 200 grand on aesthetics, so go fuck yourself. May you get robbed a thousand times.

Better just give it to him, he doesn’t have all day.

If You Thought Your Other Half Was An Ass, Check This Guy Out.

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on May 11, 2010 by Colin Walker

One shot, two kills.

That’s what happened in Wichita on Sunday. A 70 year-old man shot himself in the head. While he was laying in bed next to his wife. The bullet passed through his skull and into hers, killing them both. “Fuckin’ N00B!”

What the hell, old man? Did you not get the fucking memo? Men kill themselves in their garage. If you do not have a garage, got to your basement. lacking a basement, go outside. There’s always the bathroom. Then again, almost everywhere is better than, oh, I dunno, right next to someone else. And it’s not like he planned it that way. He used a nine millimeter, which cannot be counted on to go all the way through one person’s head, not to mention two. No, I think this guy just wanted his wife to wake up and see it. Good job, drama queen.  Gun safety, ya’ll.

As Stupid As You Are, You’re Not As Stupid As This Guy

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on May 11, 2010 by Colin Walker

At least I hope not.

A Clarksville Tennessee man stole some beer yesterday. This in and of itself is not noteworthy. I’m sure that beer gets stolen all the time in Clarksville, Tennessee. I mean, what else is there to do there, right? You have sex with farm animals, then you steal some beer. Immediately followed by more sex with farm animals. “If I could talk, I’d tell them what you did.”

But here’s what makes this unique:  The guy that took the purloined beverages came back and tried to return them. Because he felt bad? No. because they weren’t cold enough. That’s like calling the cops because somebody stole your weed. You’ve either got balls the size of grapefruit or a brain the size of a pea to try something like that.  (Hint: it’s always the latter.)

“everybody’s always tryin’ ta bring me down!”

If You Abuse Pork Chops, You Could Lose Everything

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on May 11, 2010 by Colin Walker

Kids, your uncle Coddy is here today to warn you against the perils of performance enhancing drugs. Now, now, I know what you’re going to say, ‘Cod, you said that this was a safe place where we could come and, you know…just be us. You said you wouldn’t get preachy.’ Okay, well you’re a fucking liar, because I never said that. And you’re most likely going to burn in a unimaginable hell full of Amway salesmen and Ke$ha remixes because of it. Damn and blast your eyes. But, I care about you. And I know that most of you reading this have high hopes for yourselves. I did an impromptu poll of this sites readers and found that those of you who are not planning on making a career in the porn industry or deep-sea welding have plans to become professional athletes. That’s great! Aim for the stars! My grandfather Lloyd used to aim for the stars all the time! It’s why he was shot dead in Korea.

But sometimes just wanting something very much and making a deal with a possessed doll-head isn’t enough. You’ve got to remember to ‘watch your six’. My grampa Lloyd never watched his six. That’s why he was stabbed by an angry pimp in a Korean brothel.

There all all kinds of little tricks and traps out there, sometimes masquerading as something benign. Take pork chops, for instance. Tong Wen, China’s Olympic judo champion, was recently stripped of her medal and banned from competing for two years. And do you know why? Fucking pork chops.

“Judy chop this, you fucking commie!”

That’s right. Pork chops can contain a chemical called Clenbuterol. And Clenbuterol is a performance enhancing drug:( Farmers will use Clenbuterol to try and keep the pigs from getting too fat, but it’s not water-solutable, and it can hang out in the muscles, just waiting for the next curling champion–I’m talking to you, Troy, to take a big ol’ bite. Tong’s trainer said that the champ had been scarfing down pork chops like Islam was about to be implemented before the test, and that’s why the results came back positive.

“I ate dis mrany!”

(Racist.)

Think it’s bullshit? So do I!

“That’s bullshit.”–Grandpa Lloyd, right before he was raped by werewolves in Korea.

But it happens all the time. Dennis Mitchell, a track and field star, was banned from the IAAF after testing positive for unusually high levels of testosterone. Instead of just copping to steroids like a normal, sane person, Dennis said that the peaked levels of boy-juice came from having sex four times a night and drinking beers. And also that he was a man’s man that could piss barbed wire and simultaneously bring a woman to orgasm in another state.

“Everyone, calm down. There’s enough cock for everybody.”

Floyd Landis was stripped of his Tour De France medal in 2006 for high testosterone, which he blamed on drinking whiskey the night before. But, after hearing Dennis’s  excuse, the judges were underwhelmed. “Couldn’t you have said you were gangbanging a bunch of nuns into a frenzy?” Said one. “Why didn’t you tell us you had just eaten a gorilla?” Asked antoher. “Why am I even here? According to the narrative of this article, I’ve been dead for sixty years.” Said Grandpa Lloyd.

But even if he had said these things, it wouldn’t have worked. Associations like those have a zero tolerance policy, leaving Floyd to weep sadly in the legendary shadow of Lance Armstrong’s pendulous uni-ball.

Blame it on the al-al-al-al-al-al-cohol

I Was Sexually Assaulted By A Man Who Had Cerebral Palsy Since Birth.

Posted in The Meat Suit Awards, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on May 11, 2010 by Colin Walker

This is exactly what Judge Souless Fucking Monster  an anonymous Taxi and Limousine Committee (NY) judge alleges happened to her last October. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, ‘Coddy, so what? That’s perfectly plausible, depending on his level of mobility and brain function. Why you trippin’?’ First off, stop saying stuff like ‘why you trippin’. It embarrasses both of us. Second, as far as his level of mobility is concerned, Dr. Palsy, it’s pretty much non-existent.

Cheecho Mertsaris has had Cerebral Palsy ever since brain damage he sustained at birth. He has absolutely no control over his motor functions and has been confined to a wheelchair for as long as he could fit into one. He cannot even eat unassisted. Dispite all that, Mertsaris is actually a lawyer for the NY TLC. You see, there is nothing at all wrong with the way Mr. Mertsaris thinks, he learns just as well as you or I, and communicates through e-mail with the help of an assistant. He cannot, however, control his limbs. His appendages are apt to go swaying to and fro or jerk spasmodically at any moment.  So basically he’s kind of like this guy:

“Let me lick you up and down, ’til you say ‘stop’.”

But a lawyer, not a guy who could probably figure out how to rip the universe open with his bare hands, if he could only use them.

So, Cheecho, pretty inspiring guy, right? He overcame huge, constant obstacles to become a lawyer, stuff that would most likely drive this author to pay someone to push him down a steep flight of stairs or ‘accidentally’ shoot me in the face while hunting quail in my living room.

“You’re welcome.”

You would think that you would look up to a guy like that, or, at the very least, pity him. But you wouldn’t. Not if you were Judge What The Fuck Is Wrong With You, Really? this judge. No, is you were her, you would say that Mr Mertsaris touched you inappropriately on your hindquarters when you and he were alone together. Then you would file a case against him. Because being her, you are also a shameless fucking monster.

“YOU TOUCHED MY ASS! YOU KNOW YOU DID!’

This is one of those times when you would think that class and common fucking sense would come together and this woman would just realize that she was being crazy, that this guy is dealing with issues that she could never hope to comprehend, and that he couldn’t have possibly gotten any benefit out of his spasming arm brushing against her cold, reptilian butt cheek.

But, no.

This is from the Fox article: “A spokesman for the district attorney’s office told Fox 5 that the prosecutor believes that Mertsaris uses his hands.”

Asshole.

Because this guy had nothing better to do for his entire life than pretend like he had a crippling, debilitating disease. And , he did that for the sole purpose of one day briefly touching some uptight, demon judge’s ass. That’s brilliant. I didn’t even start off this post with this intention, but fuck it. You win.

Go hunt tigers.