If You Want This Diamond Emblazoned I-Pad, You Are More Awful Than The Sum Of Your Parts.

“Hello, I am a very hip  way to get you fucking robbed.”

We’ve all heard about the I-Pad. You can’t skate around the web at full-blast looking for Justin Bieber content without tripping over a story about it. And, I guess that by putting this post up I am contributing to the very problem I’m talking about, but in this case, I feel that it is warranted.

Look, you can want the I-Pad if you want. Personally, I think it’s underpowered, under-featured, and propreitized as a  motherfucker. It’s really nothing but a big screened I-Phone that can’t make calls. Like my I-Pod Touch on steroids, but with no increase in intellect or talent to accompany it’s bloated size.

But maybe you’re one of those people. Maybe you’re the guy with the hoodie and the square glasses on, sitting in the corner with his Powerbook open, his I-Phone on the table next to  it, playing music through the Dr. Dre headphones, but always ready to field that all important call from the bassist of Grizzly Bear, or maybe your mom. Showcasing all of your slick accessories, rolling your eyes at those who support mainstream commerce while you pump in thousands of dollars to a multi-billion dollar empire that shares exclusive carrier deals with another multi-billion dollar corporation. When your aloof associate asks you what you are doing, you remove one of your earphones and say, “I’m on Pitchfork, but the reviewer on there didn’t grasp the complexity of the Animal Collective album. Looks like I’m going to have to submit an alternate review.” You say this with the weariness of a god who has walked this earth since the dawn of time and been privy to every atrocity imaginable.

You might be that person. And that’s okay, I guess. You’re kind of a pretentious asshole, whose own ego and elitism wind of turning them into another version of the ‘Douchebag’ stereotype you’re trying so hard not to be, but, the world takes all kinds.

But if you saw what was posted above, and you wanted that even more, you are going to part with $20,000 for a $500 piece of tech that someone like you probably doesn’t even know how to use. Then, you, Kimora Lee Simmons, and Paris Hilton all need to go wrestle in a baby pool filled with mercury. It will look great, I swear.

“This is the biggest goddamn menu I’ve seen! Where the hell is the Moo-Shu?”

One Response to “If You Want This Diamond Emblazoned I-Pad, You Are More Awful Than The Sum Of Your Parts.”

  1. […] of you, who have been here for a while, might remember this. That was truly horrible. And I don’t mean to turn this site into Planet ipad, but the tag in […]

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