First, An African American, Next, A Vampire

“You kids, get off my lawn.”

First, let me be clear that the title of this post in no way implies racism. We are simply talking about milestones. In 2008, Barrack Obama became the first black person ever to be elected president. In 2012, what milestone will we see? A woman? What are you, out of your mind? A woman’s place is in the kitchen! Everyone knows that! You Guys are crazy. No, the next step, the next logical step is Jonathon Sharky. He is from Florida, he is a Republican, and he is a vampire.

I’m sure that you guys have heard that truth is stranger than fiction. Your grandmother probably said it all the time, until your parents put her in that home and you all started to pretend that she never existed in the first place. (Circle of life) This is one of those instances. I did not wake up this morning and pull this magically out of my ass like a silk train of scarves. This guy is running for president. Of the United States. Of America.

A Satanist and former professional boxer, Sharky has announced at a press conference that he plans to file the appropriate paperwork to run for this nations highest office. Nicknamed ‘The Impaler’, (no shit) he claims to be a direct descendant of Vlad Teps, better known as Dracula.

“Listen to me, child of the night, what sweet Elvis impersonations I make.”

While he does not have the official backing of the Republican party, Sharky is confident that his accused brainwashing of a sixteen year-old girl (who now has a restraining order against him) and his conviction of threatening a judge just last year will not prevent him from being elected. He has previously run for governor of  Minnesota and the senate, but has since switched his affiliation from independent to Republican so he can run with the GOP. Sarah Palin better watch her ass.

In 2009, he applied for sovereignty for ‘The Vampyre Nation’. Here is the paperwork, click to enlarge.

He has not been with a woman older than 19 since 2006, (he’s 45) and he ‘feeds’ off of his girlfriends constantly. I’m serious.

“Hail to the chump.”

In closing, here is a picture of him looking cute. Awww.

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