Archive for March, 2010

This Is The Best Space-Christian VS. Klingon Guitar Shred Battle I Have Ever Seen

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on March 16, 2010 by Colin Walker

There’s going to be a theme today. You’ll pick up on it. I don’t care who or what you worship. that is your business. What I’m doing today is showcasing things that are awful independent of their subject matter. As far as them all sharing the same basic subject, well, you can blame teh interwebz for that one.  But, if these don’t make you laugh, you are way too stuck up, whatever religion you are.

Lazarus Is The Best Part

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on March 16, 2010 by Colin Walker

Certain things defy all expectations. There are pieces of art that, no matter what the budget may have been, stand out as shining examples of what can be done when you’re working with pure talent and little else.

This was not one of those times.

You Are A Beautiful And Unique Snowflake

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on March 16, 2010 by Colin Walker

Sometimes, you just need that little extra bit of encouragement.

First, An African American, Next, A Vampire

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on March 15, 2010 by Colin Walker

“You kids, get off my lawn.”

First, let me be clear that the title of this post in no way implies racism. We are simply talking about milestones. In 2008, Barrack Obama became the first black person ever to be elected president. In 2012, what milestone will we see? A woman? What are you, out of your mind? A woman’s place is in the kitchen! Everyone knows that! You Guys are crazy. No, the next step, the next logical step is Jonathon Sharky. He is from Florida, he is a Republican, and he is a vampire.

I’m sure that you guys have heard that truth is stranger than fiction. Your grandmother probably said it all the time, until your parents put her in that home and you all started to pretend that she never existed in the first place. (Circle of life) This is one of those instances. I did not wake up this morning and pull this magically out of my ass like a silk train of scarves. This guy is running for president. Of the United States. Of America.

A Satanist and former professional boxer, Sharky has announced at a press conference that he plans to file the appropriate paperwork to run for this nations highest office. Nicknamed ‘The Impaler’, (no shit) he claims to be a direct descendant of Vlad Teps, better known as Dracula.

“Listen to me, child of the night, what sweet Elvis impersonations I make.”

While he does not have the official backing of the Republican party, Sharky is confident that his accused brainwashing of a sixteen year-old girl (who now has a restraining order against him) and his conviction of threatening a judge just last year will not prevent him from being elected. He has previously run for governor of  Minnesota and the senate, but has since switched his affiliation from independent to Republican so he can run with the GOP. Sarah Palin better watch her ass.

In 2009, he applied for sovereignty for ‘The Vampyre Nation’. Here is the paperwork, click to enlarge.

He has not been with a woman older than 19 since 2006, (he’s 45) and he ‘feeds’ off of his girlfriends constantly. I’m serious.

“Hail to the chump.”

In closing, here is a picture of him looking cute. Awww.

Lindsay Lohan Is Rapidly Disintegrating

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on March 15, 2010 by Colin Walker

“Why don’t you come to my room later, tiger?”

Jeeeeeeeeeeesssssssuuuuuuuusssssssssss Christ! What in the hell is happening with Lindsay Lohan? I am not kidding. This is not a rhetorical question or a lead in to something else. REALLY. I would like to know what this is. Is this some kind of disease? I do not want that disease! She is fucking melting like the Wicked Witch of the West over there! Does she have fucking Progeria or something? Baby Jeebus forgive me if she does, but goddamn! Have I made this clear?

LINDSAY LOHAN IS TURNING INTO THE FUCKING DRAGON EMPEROR RIGHT IN FRONT OF US!

She is only twenty-three years old! Twenty-three!

Holy

shit.

Do you guys remember when she was just starting to get mainstream, and she looked like this?

That was an attractive young lady who looked like she was going to turn into a beautiful woman. What the fuck happened? I almost did a “Jesus, I thought they were dead’, piece on this, but I think she may actually be dying, and then the joke isn’t funny. I’m going to have to dust off an old chestnut here and just say “Cocaine is a hell of a drug”.

If You Want This Diamond Emblazoned I-Pad, You Are More Awful Than The Sum Of Your Parts.

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on March 15, 2010 by Colin Walker

“Hello, I am a very hip  way to get you fucking robbed.”

We’ve all heard about the I-Pad. You can’t skate around the web at full-blast looking for Justin Bieber content without tripping over a story about it. And, I guess that by putting this post up I am contributing to the very problem I’m talking about, but in this case, I feel that it is warranted.

Look, you can want the I-Pad if you want. Personally, I think it’s underpowered, under-featured, and propreitized as a  motherfucker. It’s really nothing but a big screened I-Phone that can’t make calls. Like my I-Pod Touch on steroids, but with no increase in intellect or talent to accompany it’s bloated size.

But maybe you’re one of those people. Maybe you’re the guy with the hoodie and the square glasses on, sitting in the corner with his Powerbook open, his I-Phone on the table next to  it, playing music through the Dr. Dre headphones, but always ready to field that all important call from the bassist of Grizzly Bear, or maybe your mom. Showcasing all of your slick accessories, rolling your eyes at those who support mainstream commerce while you pump in thousands of dollars to a multi-billion dollar empire that shares exclusive carrier deals with another multi-billion dollar corporation. When your aloof associate asks you what you are doing, you remove one of your earphones and say, “I’m on Pitchfork, but the reviewer on there didn’t grasp the complexity of the Animal Collective album. Looks like I’m going to have to submit an alternate review.” You say this with the weariness of a god who has walked this earth since the dawn of time and been privy to every atrocity imaginable.

You might be that person. And that’s okay, I guess. You’re kind of a pretentious asshole, whose own ego and elitism wind of turning them into another version of the ‘Douchebag’ stereotype you’re trying so hard not to be, but, the world takes all kinds.

But if you saw what was posted above, and you wanted that even more, you are going to part with $20,000 for a $500 piece of tech that someone like you probably doesn’t even know how to use. Then, you, Kimora Lee Simmons, and Paris Hilton all need to go wrestle in a baby pool filled with mercury. It will look great, I swear.

“This is the biggest goddamn menu I’ve seen! Where the hell is the Moo-Shu?”

It Is Literally Impossible For MTV To Ban Lady Gaga’s ‘Telephone’ Video

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on March 15, 2010 by Colin Walker

All right, People Of The Internet, I am here to drop some hip knowledge on you.  I know that you guys are kind of behind the times, and rely on me to bring you up to speed on the things that are currently ‘dope’, and ‘fresh’. That is fine. I am more than happy to be your Ambassador Of What Is Def.

So, let me do my job here, will you? Allow me to introduce you to things heretofore unknown and therefore blackly exciting and mysterious. Let’s go.

There is a new female performer on the scene now. I’m sure you haven’t heard about her yet, (you guys on the internet are always a little behind, but it’s okay ‘cuz I still love you!) but her name is Lady Gaga. Don’t let this slip, but I think that there is a chance that she could become quite popular. And, I’ll tell you what, you can say that to people now, and you don’t even have to credit me. You can say to your friends, “Hey, hip and ethnically diverse group of people that I choose to associate with, I think that maybe this Lady Gaga character is going to be kind of a big deal.” They might laugh at you at first, but don’t worry. When you turn out to be right and they have egg 0n their hip, collective faces, you can look over to me and we’ll laugh together. I would never sell you out!

But, CONTROVERSY CENTRAL!1! There are reports surfacing that MTV pulled her video ‘Telephone’ (featuring someone named Beyonce, don’t worry about her, I don’t think she’ll work out in this crazy Music Biz) for being too sexually explicit.

Here it is. All ten minutes of it. Watch if you want, but if it’s too long for you, or you don’t want anyone catching you watching it, take my word for it, it’s no worse than ‘Rumpshaker.’

All I wanna do is Zooma-zoom-zoom-zoom!

But, what I’m saying is this: That’s Impossible! And Kurt Loader backed me up earlier this morning when he addressed the press and told them, “We could not have banned the video in question. MTV has not played a video in it’s entirity since 1999.”

Word.