Jesus! I thought They Were Dead!

Dolph Lundgren

“Motivation? Muscle-bound and stupid.”

Dolph Lundgren was recently discovered not to be dead! That is awesome! He was totally my favorite evil white boxing character from the Rocky franchise.

“I will break you. With my hair.”

Gossip Protip: Dolph Lundgren is not a Russian! He played a Russian at least twice. Once in the aforementioned Rocky flick and then again in the Oscar-nominated* Red Scorpion. But he is a big Swede! Ol’ Big Swedish Bastard! That is what his name would be if he hadn’t been late for that Wu-Tang audition back in ’89.

Come to think of it, I believe that they’re are several films where it is inferred, if not stated outright, that his character is of Soviet descent. And you know what, that was fine with Dolph! Because Dolph was not an idiot and knew that the late eighties American film audience had a hard-on for big red baddies, and he would give them what they wanted.

But then communism fell in The Motherland, the mighty U.S.S.R. disintegrated, and most of the choice roles Dolph was accustomed to went with it. He faded into a kind of action movie obscurity, his lot thrown in with the likes of Danny Trejo and That Chick With The Huge Tits Who Was Always Firing The Machine Gun. You know the one I mean.

After a while, I thought That Dolph had gone quietly, maybe drank himself to death in a hot-tub with a few members of a seedy strip joint’s ‘C’ team on standby, a bottle of Stolichnaya (because Hollywood had me convinced he was a Pinko) slowly sliding out of his relaxing hand.

Then I saw this! And this, is proof that not only is Dolph Lundgren not dead, he is a lumbering amusement that will do anything you want, as long as you pay his scheduling fee, validate his parking, and buy him a few drinks.

Holy shit.

I bet you didn’t see that coming. Dolph Lundgren is like a big, lumbering, bear mailing it in all over that stage. But, kind of frantically mailing it in, as if he knows it’s his last chance, but he knows there is no hope, but they are playing the music…so…. I mean, when he got to the drum-set, the drummer wasn’t even there anymore, like he saw Dolph coming and was all: “Fuck this, I’m not getting beat up by Dolph Lundgren in front of all these people.”

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to insult the man. Even though he’s fifty three years old, I’m thinking that Dolph might still whip my ass. But, damn; did you see the way he was moving out there? Ugh. My childhood weeps.

*Are you fucking kidding me?

4 Responses to “Jesus! I thought They Were Dead!”

  1. trajeal Says:

    Oh, poor Dolph. Wouldn’t it have been better if he HAD been dead? At least then we could have gotten all nostalgic and remembered Dolphy with rose colored (no Commie pun intended) glasses. Instead, we have to face the rest of our lives knowing the man became, dare I say it, desperate for work, and used that stage as a talent show audition, hoping someone out there with money still remembered him and would hire him out of pity. I mean, you can’t unring the bell. We’ve seen the video, and it still hurts. The man can’t even lip sync to his own pre-recorded voice. Ouch. Even the host was laughing after it was over. Wouldn’t a stint on Celebrity Fit Club have been better? Maybe we just couldn’t get past the fact that his name is one mere letter away from being the name of the most insane German that ever tried to take over Europe. I mean, I’m just sayin’.

    Le sigh.

    It does make me think of some other old favorites from my childhood. Dead or Alive: the “Time to make the donuts” guy, Real World Puck, the “I always wondered where my Mandibula was” kid from the Encyclopedia Britannica ads, Keith “Dishes are done, man!” Coogan and Jay “The Boy Who Could Fly” Underwood, the “Wolfman’s got nards!” kid from “The Monster Squad”, that chick from “Pump Up the Volume” and the Principal from “The Breakfast Club”. I’m sure could find out, if I weren’t so lazy.

  2. OMG, this is the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time – and I read a lot of funny sh*t. You rock.

  3. Muscle-bound, yes. Stupid, no. Mr Lundgren actually has a Masters Degree in Chemical Engineering. He’s even been to MIT.

    Just sayin’.

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