Heartbroken? Try Having The Shit Scared Out Of You.

“Death Bear Stare!”

In Brooklyn, NY, you can call a seven foot tall man in a black costume with a ominous looking bear head to come take your stuff. Well, not your stuff, someone else’s stuff. Like your Ex. Because why wouldn’t you do that?

‘Ja’kwon, don’t forget your dirty-AAAAARRRRRGGGHHHH!!!11!!”

‘Death Bear’ is the creation of some performance artist guy. I know his name, but I am not going to further promote him by listing it here. Because this is fruity.

If you have recently went through a nasty breakup, (or just need something collected, he’ll do that, too.) Death Bear will come to your house, and you can give him items that either remind you of, or belong to, your Ex. Never mind the fact that might be, oh, I dunno, illegal.

“Hey Tracy, listen, I left my leather coat at your house. I paid for it, with money, and would like it back.”

“You should have thought about that before you broke up with me. I gave your property to a terrifying bear-man hybrid. Have a nice life!”

“The Fuck?”

You see, it makes sense, because the end of a relationship is kind of like a little death. So this man, who is not paid for his services, will show up in full noir ursidae regalia to take things that trigger memories of that relationship so that you can move on. In my eighth grade drama class, they called this ‘symbolism’.  It’s heavy.

So heavy, in fact, that the artist chose to do this in Brooklyn, because people in Brooklyn would ‘get it’. I am glad that people in Brooklyn are not only capable of understanding ham-fisted symbolism, but encourage it! But Brooklyn is full of hipsters now, so what do you expect?

“Hey you, in the glasses and the hoodie, get off our lawn!”

But hey, maybe people need this. This guy is taking unwanted (at least by the current possessor) and taking it to the landfill, or goodwill, or something.

Oh.

No.

Wait.

He keeps the stuff in his apartment. Which isn’t creepy at all.

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