Archive for February, 2010

Jesus! I thought They Were Dead!

Posted in I Thought They Were Dead! with tags , , , on February 25, 2010 by Colin Walker

Dolph Lundgren

“Motivation? Muscle-bound and stupid.”

Dolph Lundgren was recently discovered not to be dead! That is awesome! He was totally my favorite evil white boxing character from the Rocky franchise.

“I will break you. With my hair.”

Gossip Protip: Dolph Lundgren is not a Russian! He played a Russian at least twice. Once in the aforementioned Rocky flick and then again in the Oscar-nominated* Red Scorpion. But he is a big Swede! Ol’ Big Swedish Bastard! That is what his name would be if he hadn’t been late for that Wu-Tang audition back in ’89.

Come to think of it, I believe that they’re are several films where it is inferred, if not stated outright, that his character is of Soviet descent. And you know what, that was fine with Dolph! Because Dolph was not an idiot and knew that the late eighties American film audience had a hard-on for big red baddies, and he would give them what they wanted.

But then communism fell in The Motherland, the mighty U.S.S.R. disintegrated, and most of the choice roles Dolph was accustomed to went with it. He faded into a kind of action movie obscurity, his lot thrown in with the likes of Danny Trejo and That Chick With The Huge Tits Who Was Always Firing The Machine Gun. You know the one I mean.

After a while, I thought That Dolph had gone quietly, maybe drank himself to death in a hot-tub with a few members of a seedy strip joint’s ‘C’ team on standby, a bottle of Stolichnaya (because Hollywood had me convinced he was a Pinko) slowly sliding out of his relaxing hand.

Then I saw this! And this, is proof that not only is Dolph Lundgren not dead, he is a lumbering amusement that will do anything you want, as long as you pay his scheduling fee, validate his parking, and buy him a few drinks.

Holy shit.

I bet you didn’t see that coming. Dolph Lundgren is like a big, lumbering, bear mailing it in all over that stage. But, kind of frantically mailing it in, as if he knows it’s his last chance, but he knows there is no hope, but they are playing the music…so…. I mean, when he got to the drum-set, the drummer wasn’t even there anymore, like he saw Dolph coming and was all: “Fuck this, I’m not getting beat up by Dolph Lundgren in front of all these people.”

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to insult the man. Even though he’s fifty three years old, I’m thinking that Dolph might still whip my ass. But, damn; did you see the way he was moving out there? Ugh. My childhood weeps.

*Are you fucking kidding me?

*Sigh*

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on February 25, 2010 by Colin Walker

And,

That is all.

Vajazzling; Next I’ll Be Fucking A Unicorn.

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on February 25, 2010 by Colin Walker

The new trend in gaudy, fake, sparkley shit has skipped the ghetto entirely.

Yesterday, I was thinking to myself, you know, I like vagina, but when is someone going to come out with some flashy semi-permanent  vaginal accessories? This was what I asked myself. There are rings for piercing, sure, and of course there is untold tons of lingerie floating around out there, complete with lace and sequins. But, lingerie comes off pretty quick, and rings and studs can be ripped out. Not by me, but by this guy, who is a monster.“My name? Daddy. That’s my fucking name.”

But I’m sayin’, (I’m just sayin’) where are the whimsical adornments that call to mind the more capricious days of my childhood? Or your aunt’s jacket, the one with the wolves on it? You know the one I mean.

Well, it’s here! For a modest fee, (around $75) you can go to one of three spas and have a rhinestone design adhered to your pitcher’s mound.

“I choose you, Pikachu!”

That’s right, your vagina can resemble Liberace’s jacket. I can’t speak for everyone, but doesn’t putting something there that is going to increase the friction (and potentially cut you) contrary to some of the point of having the Sainted Coin Purse shaved bald in the first place? What kind of injuries can we look forward to?

And who’s idea was this? Was it a customer? I pretty sure it was, because very few self-respecting shop owners would voluntarily come up with a procedure that would force them to spend more time down there; especially with common sense, good taste, and modesty on the sharp decline.  “Here ta tell ya right now, I want tha’ anal bleachin’, the clit piercin’, tha works!”

Yeah, it was a customer. Came in and was all like: “Hey, make my vag look like a vase with magic coming out the top”.

“You want what?”

“I’ll pay you good money.”

“I should have stayed in that pole dancing class.”

And then there is the fact that people get used to anything, and then need to move on to bigger and better things just to keep the excitement going.  So, this means that in a few years, some hipster will be fucking a chick in day-glow Avatar cosplay paint with bolt-0n devil horns and  transplanted Pegasus wings.

I Wish This Was The Olden Days, So I Could Have A Sack For My Sack

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on February 25, 2010 by Colin Walker

For fuck’s sake! Why is it I have to suffer from discomfort and Chezballstankatociousness (Codpiece, M.D.) when they invented this thing a very long time ago? I COULD TRAMP ALL DAY! What the fuck are they even implying? I don’t think I could tramp all day, even if the mood struck me. But, this equipment would be able to keep up if tramping all day tickled my fancy. I tried getting in touch with Meyers manufacturing, and they seem to be closed. my life is ruined.

Two sacks! the fucking thing ha…Nevermind.

People Who Should Not Be Having Sex

Posted in People Who Should Not Be Having Sex with tags , , , , on February 25, 2010 by Colin Walker

2012 cannot come soon enough.

Bringing About Serious Questions On Social Responsibility And Personal Comfort Levels Very Early

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on February 25, 2010 by Colin Walker

What I like here is how, by making the bear naked, the author has imparted a sense that the bear is an anarchist at best, a sociopath at worst. The tell-tale nudity speaks to the casting off of society as a whole and suggests that once smaller rules are broken, larger ones become less of a concern.

Or it’s probably just a really shitty translation.

Either way.

Badtiming@Geterdone: I’m split and doped up! LOL. 2 minutes ago, from blackberry mobile

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on February 17, 2010 by Colin Walker

“Just one minute, I think I was attacked in Mafia Wars.”

I’m not the best guy to give a lecture about priorities, but, for god’s sake. I’m going to give her the benefit of the doubt and say that maybe she took a picture of the kid, then sent it to someone, but even then…Someone else couldn’t have done that? Put the goddamn phone down.