Dolph Lundgren was recently discovered not to be dead! That is awesome! He was totally my favorite evil white boxing character from the Rocky franchise.
Gossip Protip: Dolph Lundgren is not a Russian! He played a Russian at least twice. Once in the aforementioned Rocky flick and then again in the Oscar-nominated* Red Scorpion. But he is a big Swede! Ol’ Big Swedish Bastard! That is what his name would be if he hadn’t been late for that Wu-Tang audition back in ’89.
Come to think of it, I believe that they’re are several films where it is inferred, if not stated outright, that his character is of Soviet descent. And you know what, that was fine with Dolph! Because Dolph was not an idiot and knew that the late eighties American film audience had a hard-on for big red baddies, and he would give them what they wanted.
But then communism fell in The Motherland, the mighty U.S.S.R. disintegrated, and most of the choice roles Dolph was accustomed to went with it. He faded into a kind of action movie obscurity, his lot thrown in with the likes of Danny Trejo and That Chick With The Huge Tits Who Was Always Firing The Machine Gun. You know the one I mean.
After a while, I thought That Dolph had gone quietly, maybe drank himself to death in a hot-tub with a few members of a seedy strip joint’s ‘C’ team on standby, a bottle of Stolichnaya (because Hollywood had me convinced he was a Pinko) slowly sliding out of his relaxing hand.
Then I saw this! And this, is proof that not only is Dolph Lundgren not dead, he is a lumbering amusement that will do anything you want, as long as you pay his scheduling fee, validate his parking, and buy him a few drinks.
I bet you didn’t see that coming. Dolph Lundgren is like a big, lumbering, bear mailing it in all over that stage. But, kind of frantically mailing it in, as if he knows it’s his last chance, but he knows there is no hope, but they are playing the music…so…. I mean, when he got to the drum-set, the drummer wasn’t even there anymore, like he saw Dolph coming and was all: “Fuck this, I’m not getting beat up by Dolph Lundgren in front of all these people.”
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to insult the man. Even though he’s fifty three years old, I’m thinking that Dolph might still whip my ass. But, damn; did you see the way he was moving out there? Ugh. My childhood weeps.
*Are you fucking kidding me?