The Meat Suit Awards

The Meat Suit Awards!

Appreciation, son!

Welcome to the inaugural occurrence of a semi-regular feature. In ‘The Meat Suit Awards’ (MSA) We will honor an individual who has transcended rational thought so completely, gone so boldly in a different direction, and left us so jaw-droppingly awed as to make us question the reality of all things around us.

And here he is, the first recipient: Pat Robertson!

Oh, Patty—you so crayzup!

You all might remember the evangelist from some 2005 comments he made about Hurricane Katrina, when he said that God was punishing the country for “The wholesale slaughter of unborn children” Man! Was he right about that! Whew, I’m glad I’ve got Patty Double-R (I call him Double-R ‘cause we’re homies) to give that some perspective. This is, after all, America—and regardless of your views on abortion, you’ve got to agree we should not be slaughtering children wholesale. We live in a capitalist country, and God would like to see us make a profit. I hear you, Pat!

But that’s not why Patty is getting this award today. Hell, no! That was in 2005! Do I look like I live in the past? ‘You need to get to 88MPH, Marty!’—Christopher Lloyd. No, Pat is the first cat to get this because of some new comments he made about the earthquake in Haiti. Pat alluded to the fact that Haiti had made a pact with the devil during the French occupation of their country and was now paying for it. Here is the original quote.

“You know … something happened a long time ago in Haiti. … They got together and swore a pact to the Devil,” Robertson said on the Christian Broadcasting Network’s “700 Club” Wednesday.

“They said, ‘We will serve you if you get us free from the French.’ True story.” That’s right: Robertson seems to suggest the Haitians brought the earthquake on themselves, in a deal with Satan.

“And so, the Devil said, ‘OK, it’s a deal.’ And they kicked the French out,” he went on. “You know, the Haitians revolted and got themselves free. But ever since, they have been cursed by one thing after another.”

Wow! Damn, Pat! You puttin’ down some mad science! It’s like, I almost don’t know if I should take you seriously. Does anybody remember when Ol’ Dirty Bastard from Wu-Tang Clan used to talk? It was so absurd there was always a feeling like he was screwing with you, but doing it very, very well. This is that, that is this. Maybe Pat Robertson is the Mayor of Crazytown, and his Spam scepter rots in his hand as he weeps about the Baby Lord Jesus in swaddling clothes, or maybe he’s sitting back with a drink right now, laughing at us all and whispering “Trolled.” Who knows? Only Pat. And he’s too crazy to talk to you right now. Here’s your Meat Suit Pat! Now go hunt tigers!

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