This Valentine’s Day, You Should Have Been Paying More Attention To Your Boyfriend

I totally understand that you’re busy. These days, who isn’t? Well, except for the Egyptians. They’re not busy. From looking at the photo below, you would think that all these people have to do all day is stand around.

Lazy.

That right there is either A Justin Bieber concert or a gathering of Middle Eastern people specifically designed to provide nightmare fodder for Tea Party members. IT’S CALLED WORK, PEOPLE! Jesus.

But back to what I was saying, I know you have a lot going on. What with your job, and your Red Hat Society meetings and your Call Of Duty: Chewbacca’s Revenge and all. It’s cool. We all have a ton of stuff going on. I barely have time to update my Twitter feed trying to keep up with all these mysterious hippo deaths. What’s that? You haven’t heard about the Mysterious hippo deaths?  That’s because they haven’t checked my backyard yet.

White man's burden.

But seriously, it’s Valentine’s day, for god’s sake. You really should peel yourself away from those Glen Beck podcasts and spend a little time with your boyfriend, the man to whom you have committed your heart. You know how he acts when you ignore him.

So.

Yeah.

Your boyfriend is an interesting guy, I’ll give him that. Maybe I should give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that it was the animatronic characters that got him all sex’d up, and not the children.

I mean, shit...I'd hit that.

Aw, who am I kidding? Your boyfriend is a total fucking skeezbucket. Props to the manager who chased him across two parking lots and a six-lane highway to catch him. Your boyfriend’s love is one that burns too brightly. For kids.

One Response to “This Valentine’s Day, You Should Have Been Paying More Attention To Your Boyfriend”

  1. You are smart and funny and witty, even if you are often too drunk to write. Your article on beer amused me greatly and I don’t even like beer. Kudos, drunken stranger, Bully for you, I say.

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