Auditing The Aggregator, Examining Buzzfeed’s DIY Advice

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on April 11, 2013 by Colin Walker

If you’re on the internet, you probably know about Buzzfeed. If you don’t, I’m surprised as all hell that you even found my site and am genuinely wondering how you get through your day without seeing infants covered in french bulldogs, or counting down the 20 absolute best, OF ALL TIME Game of Thrones memes.

impin-aint-easy-tryion-meme This one is my favorite.

Buzzfeed is a pop culture aggregator, meaning that it grabs (or has submitted to it) various bits of pop culture related nonsense from around the web. It’s like the Huffington post, except instead of news, it’s wedding DJ fails, and as far as I can tell, Buzzfeed doesn’t want to take away my firearms.

Lately, Buzzfeed seems to be trying to branch out, adding numerous topics and subcategories, attempting to be everything to everyone without really being a news site. I stumbled on their DIY section the other day and saw an article: 20 Simple Tricks To Make Spring Cleaning So Much Easier . I read though it and cried bullshit on so many entries I decided to write an article, breaking down every one of these tips and grading them from 1-10. So, here we go, aggregating an aggregator who probably aggregated the tips from another aggregator.

scanners4 I find it hard to believe that this is the fist time I’ve used this image.

1. Use a dustpan to fill up a bucket for mopping.

enhanced-buzz-23073-1363194741-16Classy.

I suppose this works, so you’ll get at least some points. When I was locked up, I remember we used to get a bunch of those empty Cup o’ Noodles cups, bust the bottoms out of them and force them together, connect them to the sink and do something kind of like this so we could bill up large containers with water. But, you know what the difference was? We were in fucking prison.  Out in the free world there are hoses, sink sprayer, utility sinks, bathtubs and even showers. People who do this build Rube Goldbergs to wash their own feet. 3/10.

2. Clean Your Toilet With Coke.

enhanced-buzz-19231-1363127809-1 Thursday was burrito night, Today is Friday.

Do you know how much bleach is per gallon? It’s like a buck. Do you know how much Coke is per gallon? Way fucking more. Do you know what the number 1 bathroom cleaners mostly use as an ingredient? Bleach. (Or ammonia, mix them together for hilarious results!*) So, not only does this cost more, it looks gross as well. I know Coke is great for getting alkali deposits off of battery terminals, but let’s stop there, shall we? Fuck, I can’t even look at that anymore. 1/10

*Do NOT do this.

3. Use A Lemon To Get Rid Of Water Stains

enhanced-buzz-23729-1363201732-27 “What do you mean what the fuck am I doing? Zesting the shower handle guard…DUH!”

Ok, I’m sure this works. The citric acids will break down the base deposits and, magic time! No more spots! It will also leave a residue and possibly some membrane behind. Wal-mart sells these wipes like, 20 to a can that will do the same thing in one swoop. But maybe you’re on that environmental shit, and you don’t want to use those. You’ll still wind up using a paper towel to go behind and buff off all that residue, and because you’re one of those hemp bracelet wearing motherfuckers, I’ll bet the paper towels you have are those silly-ass brown ones. Damn.

l And take that stupid fucking necklace off.

4/10

4. Dryer Sheets Will Remove Buildup From Glass

enhanced-buzz-23595-1363201764-3

Maybe they will. But you know what else will? Those cleaner you’re supposed to have under the sink. Why did you walk all the way to the laundry room? 4/10

5.Keep your Cleaning Supplies Neat With A Tension Rod

enhanced-buzz-11061-1363191738-5 Ooooh, is dat some Goo Gone in the corner? I love that shit.

This is actually a great idea, so it will get some points. But, I gotta ask, if you’ve got all this stuff, WHY HAVE WE BEEN MUCKING ABOUT WITH COKE, DRYER SHEETS AND LEMONS? 8/10

6. Meet Your New BFF, The Magic Eraser

enhanced-buzz-23789-1363201546-1 My favorite gay janitor OF ALL TIME,

These things are the truth. they are absolutely great. But is this really advice? Seems more like product placement. -1 for that. Also, -1 for using ‘BFF’. 8/10

7. Get Fur Off Of Carpet Or Furniture With A Window Squeegee

enhanced-buzz-23809-1363201796-12 “Honey, this is the absolute last time I shave your mother’s back.”

In 1860, Daniel Hess invented the first vacuum cleaner. It was as big as a train. Leaps and bounds have been made in the design of these machine since then. Currently, there are even models that fit inside of a closet, and are specifically designed to handle human and animal hair. These devices also prevent your wife from crying after coming home and finding you doing this, saying that she ‘should have listened to her mother.’ 0/10

8. Use Coarse Salt To Clean Cast Iron

enhanced-buzz-24016-1363202225-9 Needs more pig stomach

This works great, but what’s not mentioned in the article is that you need to apply a thin layer of oil afterward, or your cast iron pan will turn into a rusty piece of metal. 5/10

9.Towel + Broom + A Way To Clean Hard To Reach Places

enhanced-buzz-24318-1363202189-4 Like a condom on an afro.

Um, yeah, I guess? But, you could always grow up and, oh, I dunno…

4f2ad41f13e69 LNV361_full SMF11829GGB_1_1 instead. 4/10

10. Clean Screens With Coffee Filters

enhanced-buzz-24016-1363202058-7 Also, get a new goddamn TV. The last Aiwa product I owned was a walkman.

I’m almost convinced at this point that this article was originally titled: Using Shit That Was Never Meant To Clean Shit, To Clean Said Shit And Thereby Laughing In The Face Of God. So, sure, fuck it, if this works, go ahead and do it. If you need me, I’ll be outside using my wife’s panties to wax my car. 9/10, cause, just, why not at this point?

11. Get all The Grossness Out Of Your Keyboard With A Toothbrush And Cotton Swabs

enhanced-buzz-13125-1363197568-2 *hurk*

Oh, oh hell no. Okay, look–do you know how long it’s been since Microsoft Made and sold that white keyboard? It’s been a long fucking time. Apple makes white keyboards now, but they’re coated, not porous. But, I don’t blame you for not having a Mac. You’re not an asshole, that’s good in my book. But seriously, you can buy a nice, new black keyboard for $11 at Best Buy. Do that. Now. 1/10

12. Don’t Miss The Tiny Spots, Like On Window And Sliding Door Frames

enhanced-buzz-9052-1363191845-20

Hey, when you’re cleaning, don’t forget to clean. Also, when having heterosexual intercourse, the penis goes in the vagina. I am now a certified DIY columnist. 3/10

13. Make Everything In your Fridge Organized And Easily Accessible

enhanced-buzz-24202-1363202021-10 Fuck you, I won’t do what ya tell me.

I agree with the actual entry, but this is the pic that accompanied it. You ever see the inside of a fridge door? There are places for all that stuff. And it’s not taking up valuable real estate that could be used for, I dunno, food? 2/10

14. Store Condiments In Egg Carton To Prevent Spills

enhanced-buzz-22326-1363201901-2 Not a bad idea, as long as you switch them out if they get funky. I am now envious of Alton Brown’s fabulous variety of mustard. 9/10

15. Fold Shirts Vertically To Maximize Space And Visibility

enhanced-buzz-23937-1363201853-0 That looks great! I’m sure it will look just as great when you remove four or five shirts from one of those tight rows! Oh, no, wait, it will go to shit. 3/10

16. Properly Fold A Fitted Sheet

enhanced-buzz-28508-1363196004-4

Black. Fucking. Magic. 10/10

17. De-pill Your Clothes With A Razor And Some Tape

enhanced-buzz-21192-1363187117-1

I have no Idea if this works or not, but it looks sound. 7/10

18. Vacuum Seal Bulky Clothes And Blankets For Storage

enhanced-buzz-13996-1363200026-3

This is another win. It also works with hookers if you have a deep freeze. 10/10

19. Use The Hangar Trick To Get Rid Of Clothes You Don’t Wear Anymore

enhanced-buzz-13230-1363196885-10

Caption:  Hang all your clothes so your hangers face backward. When you wear something, turn the hanger around. After a year, if something is still on a backward hanger, give it away.

This could very well work. I don’t know, I have a wife who looks after things like this because she has to be seen in public with me. If something of mine gets old, or she doesn’t like it, it disappears, and I get some new clothes. I’d like to add something, though, if you have a t-shirt that says, ‘Wassssuuuppp!’, or ’2 legit 2 quit’, or if that shit has a dragon on it? Throw that shit out.  7/10

20. And The Best Possible Advice, Drink While You Clean!

enhanced-buzz-13745-1363198144-11 I shit you not, this was number 20. Here’s the caption: You know how sometimes you come home after a few drinks and have a strange, overwhelming urge to clean everything? Channel that feeling. The best part is when you wake up the next day and are genuinely surprised and delighted at how clean everything is.

Okay, who has that fucking feeling? I want to meet that person. They can come over any time. I’ll buy their beer. Also, if you routinely drink so much that you can’t remember what happened the night before, your chances favor finding a dead animal in your living room far more than finding it clean.  0/10

So, that’s it. And what’s the score? 98/200. So, most of this list is bullshit. And you can’t argue. This was all very scientific.

Pull Your Card

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on April 9, 2013 by Colin Walker

A cool thing happened when I attended a birthday party for a friend of my wife’s. There was a guy there, A dude I hope to take  Haganah/ Krav Maga lessons from. He and I got to talking about shooting, and I asked him how good a shot he was. He didn’t answer, just pulled a card out of his wallet.

km-history11 Some ol’ Krav Maga shit. Thank god for the junk protectors.

“This is what I can do from thirty feet with a pistol.” he said simply.

I thought this was brilliant. There is no end to the shit talking that goes on when people hang around, talking about how good of a shot they are. The solution is, just carry around a small bit of proof in your wallet! Let the dick contests end! (or begin, depending on how you look at it.)

So, here’s what you do: Whatever center-fire pistol caliber you shoot, (.22lr doesn’t count, as they are was more easy to operate accurately) set up a board with a bunch of cards on it. Take one shot at ten of them, then five or ten each on the rest (depending on your ammo situation). Take your best results, and there you have it, an instant end to bullshit.

Here are mine:

2013-04-09 19.20.09  2013-04-09 19.19.44

Those are my best from thirty feet with a janky Taurus compact .45. I know some of you all shoot, show me what you can do.

The End Of An Era

Posted in Spirit Guide with tags , , , , , , , on April 9, 2013 by Colin Walker

Well, it’s been a while, hasn’t it? Sorry about that, truly. I had several constant readers, and as I piddled my time away doing other things besides writing, I’m sure they found better things to do than reading my stuff. Fair is fair and all that.

I have no excuses, but I do have a reason.

I have to come right out and tell you guys this: there will be no more beer reviews on this site. Say sorry, but say true. It’s that’s what you came here for, I thank you for your time, but must bid you a fond adieu.

adieu Little fucker even has a monocle!

And, it’s not the beer’s fault. It’s mine. See, sometime around August, I slipped into alcoholism.

slippery To be fair, I probably would have tripped over those embellishes ‘s’es, too. Shouldn’t leave them lying around like that.

Yep, the bottle got me. Just as it bit my father before me. I went from beer, to vodka, to vodka like almost all the fucking time. Now you’re probably thinking ‘Shit, the codpiece walked around stinking drunk for months, and no one stopped him?’ But that’s not right, that’s not how it was. See, I can walk around with about four ounces of vodka in me constantly, and I’d defy anyone to notice without a breathalyzer. Just part of my fantastic Irish constitution. And I didn’t put it out in the open. I was slick with it.

SlickMe, in my mind, being a slick son of a bitch.

So, yes, I walked around for months, legally drunk, with no consequence. I didn’t wreak cars, or get into fights, or dip my dick into the Jell-o dessert at parties. But my life did start to disintegrate around me. I stopped paying attention to anything that wasn’t terribly interesting to me, which was mostly vodka and doing whatever the hell I wanted.

In fact, the drinking never really did get me busted. If you’re reading this looking for one of those hard bottom endings where I drop from stellar heights to lows unknown, I’m sorry to disappoint you. There’s none of that here. My wife called me out on some of my behavioral bullshit and that’s when I realized the drinking was getting in the way of who I wanted to be. I wasn’t being a good husband or father, and was all around acting like an irresponsible asshole. You want the bottom, there it is. May it be as soft for all others, although I know it won’t be. Maybe it’s because I saw my old man fall so far that I was able to pull the cord so early.

But, It’s over. It’s been more than a week since I’ve had a drink, (including soda, I used to mix it with all kinds, and now it kind of makes me ill. Shit’s bad for you anyway.) and I’ll admit, for the first few days, it sucked bad. I had the shakes, the chills, the sleeplessness, the whole bit. But, that’s over. Then I had the few ‘holy shit, I feel great!‘ days that follow that, and now they’re gone too. But I’m still here, still not drinking. And, it’s not even a thing anymore. I don’t see why I did it in the first place, but hey, we are who we are, right? Me and the bottle were bound to tangle, but I’ll be damned if something that lives in a container is going to get the best of me for very long.

So, to all the drinkers out there, bottoms up! I begrudge you nothing. But I blew out my metaphorical knee, so nothing but the bench for me. Happy trails.

But don’t go anywhere, I haven’t stopped torturing my gut with frankenfoods, or reviewing expensive cars. Shit, we might even blow some shit up. Who knows?

Unibroue Terrible And Samuel Smith Organic Apricot: A Hazy, Sweet, Mahogany Smack Down

Posted in Spirit Guide, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on September 6, 2012 by Colin Walker

 Spirit Guide

Well, I sure went off the rails with my posting schedule, didn’t I? Yeah, well, that happens. There was only one perfect person born on this earth, ever, and his name was Arnold Paupington, of Spelthorne, Surrey. No one really knows much about him though, as perfect people have a tendency to be woefully fucking boring.

 How boring? No search results boring.

To err is human, and to throw your posting schedule out the window is how The Codpiece gets down. So, let’s break back into it, shall we? Starting off with a big, dark, Canuk that just don’t give a damn.

   Head’s so damn big it uses a large dog bed for a pillow.

Unibroue Terrible

I’ve never trusted the Canadians. You want it out there? Fine, it’s out there. I know that all of you have been wondering about my position regarding my northern neighbors for a while now, so BAM, there it is. Some who know me will say, ‘But Coddy, your paternal grandfather was French Canadian.’ I will then call you a freaky-ass stalker, because I hardly tell anybody that. You need to get the hell out of my family tree–seriously. And I’ve never even met my paternal grandfather, so there. Not to try and start in on a sob story, but there dude ran out on my grandmother before my father had even drawn breath into his partially territoriality handicapped lungs. There’s also the fact that the Canadians in general are just too damn quiet. I know what that means. I used to be that guy when I was a teenager. I used to stay up in my room for hours, and they’d never hear a peep out of me. You know what I was up to?

Almost satanic levels of mischief, that’s what.

 Pictured: What I believe to be a Canadian greeting card.

So when I heard about Unibroue, a Quebec-based brewery that opened in 1990 with the intention of becoming the first brewery in North America no faithfully mimic the Belgian style of brewing beer, I was more than skeptical. I got down right scared. And then I got armed.

 Because like I said, Canadians are fucking crazy, that’s why.

I bought a bottle of their ‘Terrible’ offering from The Wooden Keg as part of my birthday ‘Here, honey, please drink yourself to death’ present. I mean, I had to buy it, right? Look at that bottle. There’s really nothing on it save for a silver strip with the word ‘Terrible’ cut out of it. Intriguing, to say the least. I poured it and took that picture up there. There was some serious head right off the bat, even with a careful down the glass slow pour. That, indeed, is a characteristic of a Belgian Trappist-style beer. I raised my eyebrow, then the glass.

And my distrust of Canadians was instantly reinforced. “See!” I shouted, much to the distress of my wife and our teenage daughter. “You see that!? You can’t trust a goddamn one of them! This isn’t terrible at all! This is fantastic!”

 And then I just kind of rocked the fuck out for a while.

This beer is straight-up great. It’s almost as good as SKULLSPLITTER , and it shares a lot of the same traits. It appears to be black coming out of the bottle, but when held up to the light, it has a definite mahogany hue. There is a rich malty-ness with distinct fruit overtones and a barely there smoky finish. It really gets on your tongue and does a dance. And it’s not some kind of low-rent boiler room jig, either. This smooth maple leaf motherfucker waltzes, gliding across your tongue like some kind of be-pinstriped ballroom dancer.

Any kind of strongly flavored grilled meat would complement this brew tremendously, although food is by no means necessary to enjoy this beer. One could simply lean back in a favored chair, resting their feet on the naked minority of their choosing, smoking a fine cigar, and a good night would be guaranteed.

So, there you have it. I’ve been won over by a Canadian. That’s one out of thirty four and a half million. And I’ve got my fucking eye on the rest of them.

TASTE:  Elegant, complex, and powerful. Like the space shuttle in a dress.

DRINKABILITY: This is a fantastic sipping beer, but you could always be a heathen and chug it. Try not to throw up on the Dave Matthews poster you still have hanging in the man cave in your basement, though.

A.B.V.: %10.5

 COST: $12/1pt.9oz.

HANGOVER RATING: I wouldn’t go past three bombers of this.

 Source

Samuel Smith’s Organic Apricot Ale

I’ll let you all in on a little secret. I’m not really all that fond of Samuel Smith beers. The browns and porters fall flat, in my opinion, being kind of mundane and unremarkable. It’s why I don’t do reviews on them, or reviews on beers that I’m just kind of uninspired by all together. Because opening up an article and seeing the word ‘Meh’, followed by this picture:

Is a waste of both of our times.

But hey, you know what Samuel Smith can do right? Fruit beer! Damn right, Coddy’s preferred summertime libation jackpunched by an old English brew house. I’ve had all of them, but on the same night I tried ‘Terrible’, I got to try what I believe to be the best one for the first time.

Samuel Smith’s Organic Apricot is everything a fruit beer should be, and then some. First off, if you don’t like apricot, stay the hell away, because they sure didn’t go easy on it. The apricot here is far more prevalent then in the offerings from Pyrimid, Sea Dog, or Dogfishead. These apricots kick in your door, sit on your sofa, and demand chips.

 Apricots.

There is a thickness to this beer that is actually quite pleasant. I can’t stand that sort of thing in a berry beer, but here it just sort of works. Perhaps it’s because apricots (unless fresh or dehydrated) are usually served with some kind of syrup, and my mouth has no trouble at all with the associated viscosity.

This is absolutely wonderful, and if you were to put it in your face hole with something, I would suggest plain high quality cheesecake.

TASTE:  FUCKING APRICOTS

DRINKABILITY: Too damn easy. You could put yourself in the hole pretty quick with this, and have fun doing it.

A.B.V.: %5.1

 COST: $7/1pt.9oz.

HANGOVER RATING: Gotta be careful with something this sweet. ‘Wine Crushing Headfuck’ isn’t just a great band name, you know.

And then…

Samuel’s Sunsetter: The Apricot At The Threshold

Now, those of you that read this blog regularly know that I like to do this retarded thing with food where I smash two things or more together and try and see if I can survive/enjoy it. 

It was only a matter of time before I did this with beer, and you damn well knew it.  So what happens when you have roughly equal amounts of these two beers sitting in your fridge? Do you do the responsible, acceptable thing and pour a small glass of one, then the other? Not if you’re me, you wouldn’t. Hell, this glass holds sixteen ounces. I’m not wasting them.

It would be really easy to sit there on the other end of the internet and say: “Coddy, I coulda told, ya, man, that’s gonna be a bad idea. Brew Masters worked for countless hours on the formulation and manufacture of those two beers, and you just can’t go playing god and splicing their delicious beer genes together like that, bro.”

Well, then you’d be a smug asshole with no sense of adventure. You would also be woefully wrong.

Because this combination is awesome.  Smoked peaches? A complex symphony of taste over a simple beat of sweetness? A thick, yet refreshing body?

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

In related news, I am now a minor beer deity. Go forth, child, go forth and conquer! 

Revisiting DuClaw: Soul Jacker

Posted in Spirit Guide with tags , , , , , , , , , , on July 19, 2012 by Colin Walker

 Spirit Guide

After yesterday’s post, you would think that a rational man would steer clear of the dog that just bit him. You would come to the conclusion that a level-headed, reasonable gentleman, would show good sense and avoid getting into the same cage with the tiger that had just mauled him. You’d be right. A reasonable man would do that.

But this is a picture of me.

So, while a forward thinking fellow would take a wide berth of that tiger cage, you can rest assured that the Codpiece would be back the next day he was able to walk, smirking and calling that tiger names.

 Why? Because that son of a bitch thinks he’s better than me, that’s why.

DuClaw bit me on the ass. I’ve come back to see if they can do it again. Also, and more importantly, it’s already been paid for and is sitting in my fridge. I refuse to be afraid of anything in my own refrigerator.

 Except for that. I didn’t even fucking see that, so it’s not my responsibility. I’m not touching it.

DuClaw? DuClaw.

 DuClaw’s Soul Jacker

Another fancy label, anther cool name, another high alcohol content. So far, DuClaw hasn’t deviated from the formula that whipped my ass so soundly last time. Swell.

Soul Jacker is so named because it is actually a mix of two of the breweries other offerings. The ‘Soul’ bit comes from Devil’s Milk, which is an American barleywine. The ‘Jacker’ part comes from Black Jack, DuClaw’s imperial stout. Well, I’m actually not fond of barleywines, but I do love a good imperial stout. So, what happens when they throw one of them on top of the other?

It pours a dark, translucent, reddish-brown. Not a whole lot of head, but with this alcohol volume (and not being bottle fermented) this is to be expected. To the lips and…

It’s not bad, actually. The imperial stout stomps pretty soundly on that barleywine taste that I don’t like, while leaving some of its pleasant qualities behind. Unlike Nemesis, you can hardly taste the alcohol here at all, even though this is only %1.5 ABV lower. Chocolate and malt up front, with a little vanilla peeking through in the middle to a trace of hops at the end. All in all, I was expecting something a little more robust. this was actually quite mellow and soothing. By the end of the bottle, i was nodding my head in appreciation.

Food pairings? Asiago cheese and some hot salami.

 Double entendre, I was talking about my junk.

TASTE:  Balanced and pleasant.

DRINKABILITY: Really easy, leaves the barleywine far behind.

A.B.V.: %9.5

 COST: $10/1pt.9oz.

HANGOVER RATING: Not too bad, but as with anything, it would be easy to over do it.

Beer Week Almost Derailed By Nemesis

Posted in Spirit Guide with tags , , , , , , , , , , on July 18, 2012 by Colin Walker

Spirit Guide

“The first and greatest commandment is, don’t let them scare you.”- Elmer Davis

“Fortune favors the brave”-Publius Terence

“I swear these motherfuckers at DuClaw are trying to kill me.”-Codpiece

We were rolling strong until about two days ago, my fine readers. (I drink the beers and the review goes up two days later–I don’t write these as I’m drinking.) I was floating along the river Hops, in my flat-bottom barley boat, whistling to myself as I drifted past the fruit trees. I had laid back with an easy drinking porter, chilled out with my new Viking main-man, and even hosted a rowdy tempest that was more peat than malt. All in all, good times. A few harsh words were uttered, but nothing completely untoward. Looked like smooth sailing.

Then, Hop river sped up, took a sharp turn around a blind bend and dumped me into the wide end of a bottleneck. The water’s will was steady, but in my way, preventing me from continuing on to the estuary and the sea beyond was a evil-looking bomber. DuClaw’s Pax Nemesis.

 Fuck.

It turns out, the name was appropriate.

Enough with the maritime metaphors. This beer kicked my ass and nearly capsized my boat (sorry…not really.)

 “And ye almost shoved yer own misen mast trough the poop-deck. ARRR.”

DuClaw is from Abbington, MD. That’s about 100 miles from where I sit, but since they’re in MD, that technically makes them ‘local’. I wanna love the local boys, it’s always good to root for the home team. Plus, DuClaw has some seriously kick-ass labels, and anyone who tells you that they’ve never bought a beer solely because of the label is a bald-faced liar.

That’s right I called you back from yesterday’s post to call you a fucking liar. Smooth malts my ass. Don’t point that thing at me!

So, swayed by the cool labels and the cool names, I picked up three bombers from DuClaw at The Wooden Keg.  This is the first. It’s a jacked-up altbeir. An altbeir (old beer) is brewed with a top fermenting yeast at low temperature. It starts out muddy, becoming clearer and lighter in color as time goes on. Mostly, altbeirs don’t reach %11. This one, does. I don’t know what they did to it, but I wish they hadn’t.

The taste of this beer is almost completely artificial. It’s strange, almost as if they formulated a trippel and a bock in a lab, then slammed them into each other under a grain alcohol shower. It’s kind of thick, cloyingly sweet, and somewhat oily. And the alcoholic aftertaste? Dear lord. I’m not a weak man when it comes to spirits, and I’ve had brews well above %11, but none has ever given me  the problems this one did. Have you ever poured vodka into soda and forgotten to stir it, just chugging it back right after you pour it, then regretting it as that taste of pure, unexpected alcohol made you burp and your saliva glands go into overdrive? This is just like that, except the soda sucks.

I was honestly stuck here, should I sip lightly, avoiding the feeling of nausea, putting up with the taste of this stuff? Or, should I chug bravely, throwing cation to the wind in an attempt to move onto a better beer and leave this foul experience behind me?

I think that, if you know me, you know which path I chose.

This was almost me.

Man, by the end of it, I was sure I was going to lose it. My stomach was in pure revolt. Never again with this. I’ve got two more, but different DuClaws in the fridge. Let’s hope they’re better.

Taste:  If you love yourself…

Drinkability:  stay the hell away from this.

A.B.V: %11

Cost: $10

Hangover rating: I’m sure that if you drank two of these, you’d need Gorilla tape to get your head back together.

Codpiece VS. The Scots: BrewDog Storm And SKULLSPLITTER

Posted in Spirit Guide with tags , , , , , , on July 17, 2012 by Colin Walker

Spirit Guide

Two days in a row around here is like getting a hurricane after a drought. But, as a drought is a dry state, that doesn’t fit the climate in my house right now. No, after the Happy Birthday spending spree at The Wooden Keg, my area (and my brain) are quite wet. It be rainin’ beers, is what I’m saying! Also, I drink. Um…what? Whatever. Stop hassling me.

 Motherfuckers don’t understand how big I am in Germany.

So, in my unfaltering pursuit to bring you all the beer reviews and culinary abortions  possible, I’ll be reviewing all of them. I’ll probably take a break in the middle of it and post about something else, so the whole front page of the site isn’t swamped with nothing but beer reviews. But, who knows? I might not show up again for a couple months, and anyone who doesn’t like it can gobble taint.

 This was in the top ten results for ‘Gobble Taint’ on Google Image Search, and is therefore a relevant picture.

Today we’re being invaded by Scots. Both Brewdog’s Storm and Orkney’s SKULLSPLITTER (caps are mine, but c’mon, look at that fucking name. you have to cap that.) hail from the land of kilts and William Wallace.

 Mel Gibson is as Scottish as…

I’ve tried some Scottish beers before, and for the most part was unimpressed, but that’s like someone from Ireland claiming they don’t like American beers when all they’ve ever tried is Budweiser and Coors. So, let’s give them a shot, shall we? And remember, they can take our beers, but…No. No, they can’t take our beers.

 No, you seriously can’t fucking have them.

Brewdog Storm

  Brewdog is fucking crazy. Let’s just get that out of the way up front.  If you don’t remember the name, let me remind you of this:

 That is seriously some David Lynch shit right there.

Yep, they’re responsible for that. That’s End Of The World, a %55 ABV more-than-beer that comes wrapped in taxidermied, optionally dressed animals. A six pack of that will run you about $700. I’ve been eyeballing bottles of their Tactical Nuclear Penguin and Sink The Bismark ($80 and $100, respectively), and have not yet been able to justify he purchase. So, when I saw a bottle of this for $6, I saw it as a good opportunity to try a Brewdog beer.

Storm is an IPA that is made with New Zealand hops and aged in a  Scottish islet whiskey cask. Say what? Yeah, that’s how Brewdog does shit. They’re like your fucked up uncle that was always trying to get that old decommissioned jet engine running so he could duct tape it o the top of his Olds and blast down Main on a Sunday wearing no pants. Nuts, but you gotta respect him, he’s kind of dangerous.

 Pictured: The apex of automotive excellence.

Storm pours out with zero carbonation or head. That is to say, this beer comes flat right out of the bottle. I went online and checked to see if this was a fluke and I didn’t have a bad beer, but no, that’s how it’s supposed to be. So, I drank it, and…

Do you like Scotch? I do. Scotch is good. But, do you know what I’m not expecting when I drink a beer, even a beer that’s been aged in a scotch cask? Not scotch. This beer tasted like watered down Scotch. All woodsmoke and peat, right up front, dominating everything. No hint of the IPA was left.

Now, don’t get me wrong, once over the initial shock, I was fine. I finished the whole bottle. But, I was drinking beer to drink beer. When I want a Scotch, I’ll have that. So, ultimately, I’ll have to call this one a failure, despite how excited I was at the outset. Oh well, maybe they get better as you head up their product line. We’ll see.

Taste:  I’m pretty sure this would be impossible to drink if you didn’t like Scotch.

Drinkablity:  It’s weird that there’s no bubbles. Also, see above.

A.B.V. %8

Cost:  $6 a 12oz. bottle. That means it would cost me $30 to get drunk off of this.

Hangover rating:  Just drank the one, so I can’t call it.

Orkney Brewery’s SKULLSPLITTER

Oh shit, son. When a beer has a name like that, it’s either a case of  Names To Run Away From Really Fast, or Deathbringer The Adorable. We’ll see.

Oh, quick history lesson for you, if you were wondering what a Viking is doing on a bottle of Scottish beer, it’s because that’s  Thorfinn Turf-Einersson, Earl Of Orkney. His nickname was SKULLSPLITTER. No shit. The Vikings ran shit in northern Scotland until the mid 12th century, and the SKULLSPLITTER was a Jarl up there. You know, like in Skyrim.

The beer pours reddish brown and smells quite pleasant. Dark, but fruity. The taste is phenomenal. I was expecting an overly malty mess, but this is a balanced blend of plums and smoke and toffee. Drinking this is like smoking a cigar while draped over the ass of a plus-size model. Fuck what it looks like, man, it feels good.

Buy this beer. Because, it didn’t wind up being a case of either naming trope being true. SKULLSPLITTER isn’t an empty threat or a complete berserker. He’s your Viking homeboy. And if you get a four pack, we’ll all go and ride unicorns. TOGETHER.

 Oh my god fuck yes.

Taste:  A wonderful surprise. Very complex and enjoyable.

Drinkability:  Easy. despite how dark this is, there’s no trouble whatsoever.

A.B.V. %8.5

Cost: $10 for four

Hangover Rating: I have to buy more of these to know, I’ll update this later.

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